Just as our perception about life changes as we grow older, the same applies to our feelings about sex.
When we are younger, especially during the period of our sexual awakening, we tend to be ruled by lust, and this tendency seems to carry on as we experience the joys of relationships and sex.
We may meet our prospective life partners during this period and amidst rivers of sexual intimacy and love, we plan for our futures and start raising our families.
“While sex may seem to be the most important thing in the world when you’re younger, our perceptions about it may change when a woman hits her 30s.
“She’s probably a few years into a committed relationship and has settled into a sexual routine of sorts. The first flush of sexual excitement has died and she may have a young family, one of the factors that tends to affect female sexual desire,” said Australian sex therapist and relationship counsellor Dr Rosie King.
She explained: “Humans tend to experience a phenomenon called skin hunger, a craving for skin-to-skin contact. This acts as a powerful motivator of sexual activity.
“For women with young children, this skin hunger is met by regular contact with the children. The same does not apply to men as they tend to not be as involved in the care of young children. As a result of this, their main avenue to fulfil skin hunger is still sex.’’
As to be expected, women with young families also tend to lack sleep and have to deal with privacy issues. “These factors have an inhibiting effect on sexual desire. The 30s would undoubtedly be the time when there is a great desire discrepancy between men and women,” Dr King said.
She added that many marriages are strained as a result of desire discrepancy. “Because a woman’s sexual desire is low, the wheels may fall off in the relationship. The relationship may become toxic as while he chases her, she withdraws from him.
“Indeed, parenting is probably the biggest challenge to a woman’s sexuality in her 30s and sets a tremendous challenge to many marriages,” she said.
In a couple in their 40s, the challenges differ. “This is the point when men tend to be career-focused while women are preoccupied with their growing families and careers. Because couples tend not to focus on their relationships, there is a danger that they will drift apart. There is often less time to talk, what more issues of affection and sex,” Dr King said.
She says that couples in their 40s should make time for sex at least once a week or fortnight – even if they don’t experience a high level of sexual desire.
“The sexual contact will be good for the marriage as the couple spends some intimate time together. There is a saying ‘If you don’t use it, you lose it’ and one should remember that regular sexual activity facilitates sexual functions,” she said, adding that medical conditions such as erectile dysfunction (ED) may also rear its ugly head when a man is in his 40s.
As a man hits his 50s, he may begin to question his masculinity as it is harder to achieve an erection, which at this stage of his life is less firm.
Indeed, his days of achieving a Grade 4 erection may be far behind him – at least without the aid of medical treatment.
“The Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey indicates that there is a strong association between erection hardness and sexual satisfaction, so this could be a fragile time for the relationship.
“While worrying about this, the man would also have to deal with less intense orgasms and a longer recovery period,” she said, adding that while a young man takes an average of 19 minutes before he is good to go again, a 55-year-old man may take anything from 24 hours to a week.
For women, the 50s is a time when there may be changes in the balance of relationships. “Couples find themselves in an empty house while work pressures may increase.
“For some, life may be easier but this is usually the time when the impact of menopause is felt. This is hardly a pleasant situation and these women must have the patience and understanding support of their husbands,” Dr King said.
To keep the relationship on track – no matter what age bracket a couple falls into – it would be important to constantly communicate with each other.
“Communication is key if a couple hopes to remain close. It not only acts as a sexual enhancer for women but keeps the relationship strong as the couple talk about their greatest fears and desires,” Dr King said.
Sex After 35 - Why Its Different, Why It Can Be Better
As couples approach the middle years, our bodies, lifestyles and sexual responses change. Both men and women have physical, psychological and hormonal changes which are normal, gradual and subtle. The changes can even improve a couple’s sex life!
For women, some of the changes are caused by menopause, which occurs when female hormones decrease, bringing a halt to menstruation. On average, that happens in the early 50’s. But the process often begins in the early to mid-40’s and spans four or five years. During this premenopausal period, a woman’s vaginal tissues may become thinner, drier and slower to lubricate. She may lose protective fatty tissue in the pubic area while gaining weight elsewhere. Once pleasurable, intercourse may now feel uncomfortable, even painful.
Not understanding these natural physical changes, she may complain that her husband is being too rough and withdraw from sex. Her husband may mistakenly believe she has lost interest in him.
Men go through hormonal changes too. Testosterone, which influences a mans sex drive, reaches its peak between 20 and 30 and gradually decreases thereafter. A French study of 1408 healthy men ages 20 to 60 showed up to a 25 percent decline in testosterone over four decades. This is why products such as Natural Sex work for some since, they often result in more free testosterone in the body). Primarily as a result of reduced blood flow, a middle-aged mans erections are not as firm as when he was young.
However, none of these changes should interfere with a full sex life. For example, if a woman has vaginal discomfort, the solution may be as easy as a shift of position during intercourse or use of an inexpensive, over-the-counter water-soluble lubricant. A 40-year-old man’s softer erections don’t prevent him from reaching orgasm.
Indeed, experts say the changes themselves can actually enhance the relationship and make for better sex - if the couple discovers ways to capitalize on them. Here’s how to have the best sex after 35:
Reset the pace. “Sex in the young is fast and furious,” says Dr. Herant Katchadourian, professor of human biology at Stanford University. “It ignites and fizzles out like fireworks.” A man in his 20’s achieves orgasm within two to five minutes after intercourse begins; his female partner may take 20 minutes or more to reach her peak of excitement. “While she’s still warming up, it may be all over for him,” says marriage, family and child counselor Bernice Itkin of San Francisco.
But as a man ages, the tempo changes from allegro to largo. Because of a normal slowing of blood flow and changes in muscle tone, men in their 40s or 50s require more time to reach a climax, and their orgasms are less forceful.
Now a man’s timing more closely matches the woman’s. He may become more in tune with her interest in slow, sensuous seduction. With this kind of synchronization, it’s no coincidence that women respond enthusiastically. According to a 1994 University of Chicago study, women in their 20s are least likely of all age groups to achieve orgasm during intercourse. Women in their early 40s are most likely - and by a wide margin. By concentrating on how he is increasing his partner’s pleasure, a man can increase his pleasure as well.
Take action. “A young man can get an erection at he drop of a hat - or bra,” says Judith Seifer, president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. But after 35, he may be turned on less by what he sees than by his partner’s kissing and caressing. The University of Chicago study found that 51 percent of 25-to-29- year-old men became excited when they watched their wives undress. By the mid- 40s, the percentage dropped to 40. Once couples learn to pay less attention to what they see and more to what they do, says New York City sex and marital therapist Shirley Zussman, their sex lives improve dramatically.
Balance the seesaw. When they were first married, the man remembered, he always took the sexual lead, pulling his wife close and whispering his desire to make love. But now, 20 years later, she often makes the first move.
Again, hormonal changes are bringing the couple into closer balance. Men and women both produce testosterone and estrogen, but the proportion of each changes over the years. The male’s shifting levels of estrogen and testosterone may make him more willing to follow than to lead, happy for his partner or wife to set the pace. And as a woman’s estrogen declines and her testosterone becomes proportionately greater, she may become more assertive.
Dare to experiment. As partners become older, more experienced and more trusting of each other, they may become less inhibited in their views of what constitutes satisfying sex. “When we were first married, I couldn’t have imagined myself saying ‘Touch me there,’” one woman says. “The scenario has changed now, but it’s not that we’re all that different. It’s that our relationship just got deeper.”
Says Zussman, “It’s a time for new ideas, or a new look at old ideas. “Cuddle up in front of a warm fire. She recalls one 40-ish couple seeking to put more zest into their relationship. “Do you ever shower together?” Zussman asked. The two looked at each other. “We used to,” the wife said sheepishly. “Try it again,” the therapist suggested. They did - and it worked.
“Intercourse isn’t everything,” Zussman says. “It’s like the old travel slogan: getting there is half the fun.”
Achieve more from less. The University of Chicago survey showed that nearly half of 25- to 29- year-olds said they made love at least two or three times a week, including 11 percent reporting four times or more. By the early 40s, the number had fallen to 30 percent. The largest proportion, 45 percent, reported sex “a few times per month” (possible due, in part, to fatigue and the demands of child-rearing). Yet more than any other group, men and women in their 40s considered themselves emotionally and physically satisfied by their lovemaking.
As the frequency drops, couples should realize that each encounter can become more special, a moment to be anticipated and savored. In a secure relationship, there is less emphasis on how often, and more on how good. “I find that people in their 40s or so remember this moment or that moment, whereas to the younger ones, it may be all a blur,” says Zussman. “When it’s no longer an everyday thing, it means more.”
A gratifying sex life after 35 calls for a series of adjustments. Some people confront them poorly: the 45-year-old male who skitters off after a 21-year-old cocktail waitress, the middle-aged woman who flirts to prove that her allure hasn’t faded. But for couples, who understand the normal and inevitable changes, and meet them together, sexual pleasure can be greater than ever. Their sex lives will be rich in their 40s, 50s - and far beyond.
Sex After Kids
Tending to small children is not a particularly romantic thing. Poopy diapers and vomit just don’t bring out the vixen in most women.
There’s no doubt about it, small (and sometimes large) children can put a damper on a woman’s sexual desire. The exhaustion factor is there quite often. There can be some resentment about the division of labor in the household. Hormonal changes can occur. Breastfeeding keeps prolactin in a woman’s body and that suppresses sexual desire.
The level of intimacy in the marriage generally goes up when children arrive. Sometimes that level is too high. All the issues that must be handled when children are part of the picture can overload a couple’s ability to be connected romantically.
I have found that most couples don’t begin to get back to anything that resembles their earlier sexual relationship until the youngest in the house is three. Until that time, most couples have less energy for sex. That’s the nature of raising little children if you’re doing the parenting instead of a nanny.
In my opinion, that’s where “dating” comes in. Pick a Saturday night for a date. Get a sitter. Make sure that you get a nap that afternoon (that’s your husband’s duty to assure). Then, go out for dinner and some time for emotional connection between you as adults. The sitter puts the baby to sleep and you come home as soon as the coast is clear. That’s your time to have some sex that isn’t hurried or sleepy.
Put those “dates” on the calendar as often as you feel is appropriate. Your husband then has at least that to anticipate. You feel less pressured on the other days. (Sometimes feeling less pressured leads to an occasional spontaneous sexual connection springing from general good will.)
Does great sex start at forty?
The news that has emerged from a global study, involving 30,000 people - that it is the over-40s in “gender-equal” countries who have the best sex - is, for those over 40 in such places, cheering, but not exactly news. We knew that. If it discomfits the young, and the institutionally chauvinistic, then, well, even better. Advertisers who peddle the notion that only the under-25s have any right to make the beast with two backs should also think again. Or simply think.
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It’s a common complaint of some postmenopausal women - painful sexual intercourse. The condition is medically known as dyspareunia and it’s no fun at all.
Even the most sexual of women may find their thoughts turning away from intimate relations with their husbands when they have to deal with some of the symptoms of menopause.
