Kids are a delight, but they can also be problematic when it comes to keeping the spark alive between you and your spouse.

In today’s child-centric society, it can be difficult to find couple time, especially when romance is in order.

Luckily, you can safeguard your relationship from this common problem by following these five simple steps:

1. Embrace separate beds
Unless you are Suzanne Somers, three is not company. This is especially true when you and your husband aren’t able to bond (wink, wink) due to the pitter-patter of little feet that head to your bedroom every night. It might be hard to turn away the kiddies, especially when they are so fun to cuddle with, but don’t forget that cuddling your partner is important, too! More importantly, your children need to learn how to sleep on their own and be independent. Help your children adjust to sleeping on their own by making it a treat - buy special sheets with their favorite cartoon characters, get them a nightlight, and remind them that big kids sleep in their own room. If they’ve been sleeping with you for a while, it’ll be a process to get them out of your bed and into their own, but if you are consistent and don’t give up, they’ll soon make the transition and you’ll get back those stolen moments in bed for you and your partner.

And by the way, put a lock on your bedroom door today! It’s totally OK for your kids to know Mommy and Daddy regularly take “private time” together. Don’t worry about not being there for them if they really need you. That’s what monitors and knocking are for!

2. Distinguish between vacations and family trips and take both
If you have ever had to travel with small children, you know that family trips are not a vacation for parents. While it is wonderful to see your child experience the beach or Disneyland for the first time, it does not give you the mental and physical break you need. So, go ahead and book that trip to Sea World - but remember to budget time and money for adult-only vacations in which you can get away with your spouse solo. Spending time away from your usual roles as parents will give you a chance to reconnect with your sensual side, free of PB&J requests and “Dora the Explorer” reruns!

3. Don’t be a superparent
Limit your children’s after-school activities to just one or two per season. If you run yourself ragged driving your children to every activity under the sun, you won’t have the time or energy for romance or sex. However, remember to take advantage of the time your children spend at after-school activities (or even better, weekend activities when you and your partner are both home) - an empty house means some privacy for you and your partner!

4. Set a united front
When your children try to get a “yes” out of Mommy after Daddy has already said “no,” problems can erupt in the bedroom and beyond. If one or both of you feels as though your opinion has been disregarded, it can be very hard to turn off that frustration and get in the mood. Indeed, you might even end up feeling your own spouse is the enemy! Bypass these discipline problems by agreeing to never go over each other’s head. The house rule should be “If Mommy says no, so does Daddy, and vice versa.” Deciding as a couple how you want to handle discipline ahead of time is also important, not only for presenting a united front to the kids, but for the sake of your connection as well.

5. Write it in stone
Date night is the highlight of many parents’ long weeks, but too often this night gets pushed aside due to little family disturbances. Set your date night in stone, even if little Jimmy really wants to have friends over, or if your baby-sitter threatens to raise her hourly rate. Couples absolutely must have alone time together in which they can talk, bond and be intimate, so date night should only be canceled as a last resort.

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Whether it’s low sex or no sex, two new books attempt to dispel the gender stereotype that women have all the “headaches.” The Sex-Starved Wife, by Michele Weiner Davis, and He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore, by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, quash the idea that men are always ready for sex. USA TODAYspoke with the authors about men who aren’t in the mood.

Q: Is there an average or normal amount of sexual activity among married couples, and how does it change with time?

Weiner Davis: It’s really very subjective. For some couples, if they had sex twice a week, they’d think they died and went to heaven. For others, it would put them in divorce court. Mutual interest needs to be taken into account.
Yager-Berkowitz: To me, what’s normal is if both partners are happy. From the first days of a relationship to maybe three years, the brain hormones of people tend to be far more sexual to reproduce or form an attachment for all kinds of cultural and psychological reasons. What’s normal in the first year of a relationship is very different in 10 years.

Q: Describe what happens in a sex-starved relationship.
Weiner Davis: It’s when one spouse is desperately yearning for more touch, physical closeness, more sex, and the other spouse is thinking: “What is the big deal? Why are you so hassled?” When this major disconnect happens, intimacy at all levels tends to drop. It’s really about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated and feeling connected and, in this case, feeling feminine. Because of the hurt, they stop spending time together. They stop laughing at each other’s jokes. They stop making eye contact. The bond between them really dissipates, and it puts the marriage at risk for infidelity and divorce.

Q: Is avoidance of sexual intimacy primarily a problem of today’s baby boomers?
Berkowitz: It’s not an old person or a middle-aged person’s problem. We heard from young people who say the sex stopped at the honeymoon. A lot of guys are angry with their wives and say she’s critical and controlling. They reacted by shutting down sexually. About half the time in a non-sexual marriage, it’s the man who is not interested. Having sex is a habit, and not having sex is a habit, too. It becomes easier not to do it than to do it.

Q: What are your professional backgrounds?
Weiner Davis: I’m a licensed social worker and a marriage therapist specializing in work with couples since the early ’80s.
Berkowitz: I have a Ph.D. in clinical sexology from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. I mainly do research, studying the effect media has on sexual behavior.
Yager-Berkowitz: I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology. We do a column for ThirdAge.com, a website for baby boomers, and answer questions as marriage experts.

Q: You surveyed more than 4,000 men and women online who identified themselves as currently or in the past being in a sexless marriage (sex 10 times a year or less). What findings surprised you the most?
Berkowitz: It shocked me that 68% of men said the reason for their slumping sex drive is that “she’s not sexually adventurous enough.” That’s a lot of finger-pointing. So many used “not adventurous” as an excuse.
Yager-Berkowitz: A number of men in our survey said the wife had gained too much weight - 38% of men said she “gained a significant amount of weight.” Also, it surprised me that 30% of men admitted they had ED (erectile dysfunction). Even 15 years ago, I don’t think that would have happened. Now that there are some solutions and some hope, that’s allowed a conversation to open up.

Q: You and Redbook magazine surveyed 1,004 women online about their husbands’ low sexual desire; you say that low desire is often mistaken for erectile dysfunction. Why?
Weiner Davis: So many people in the general public think low sexual desire is synonymous with ED. He doesn’t want sex because he can’t have sex. There is some truth to that, in that ED can turn into a problem of low sexual desire, but it is vastly overrated as the only reason men turn off to sex. A man who has erectile dysfunction does not always have low sexual desire. In fact, he will only get low sexual desire if he can’t find some effective way or means to remedy the situation because then it becomes an ordeal rather than pleasure. But if a man learns how to manage and overcome it, he might have very high sexual desire.

Q: What should women do to broach the subject with their husbands?
Weiner Davis: What I’ve found in my practice is how quickly women go from being hurt to being angry. Anger is what men hear from their wives. The more hurt she is, the angrier she gets and the less sex he wants to have with her. It really helps to talk in terms of your own feelings and speak from a more vulnerable position - missing him, wanting to be closer to him, loving the relationship when you are closer physically. Compliment him anytime he approaches anything sexual, even though it’s not overtly sexual. Build him up instead of tearing him down.

Why Men Leave: Sex

Women and men often have dramatically different views of divorce, with men most likely to blame sex and money for a split, while women cite physical or verbal abuse, a new survey found.

In a new GfK Roper poll, 22 percent of men said sex was the reason their marriages fell apart, essentially a tie with the 23 percent that pointed to money. (The poll had a margin of error of plus or minus 2.6 percent.)

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5 ways to keep kids from ruining your sex life

Dr. Laura Berman shares ways to prevent children from spoiling the fun

Kids are a delight, but they can also be problematic when it comes to keeping the spark alive between you and your spouse.

In today’s child-centric society, it can be difficult to find couple time, especially when romance is in order.

Luckily, you can safeguard your relationship from this common problem by following these five simple steps:

1. Embrace separate beds
Unless you are Suzanne Somers, three is not company. This is especially true when you and your husband aren’t able to bond (wink, wink) due to the pitter-patter of little feet that head to your bedroom every night. It might be hard to turn away the kiddies, especially when they are so fun to cuddle with, but don’t forget that cuddling your partner is important, too! More importantly, your children need to learn how to sleep on their own and be independent. Help your children adjust to sleeping on their own by making it a treat — buy special sheets with their favorite cartoon characters, get them a nightlight, and remind them that big kids sleep in their own room. If they’ve been sleeping with you for a while, it’ll be a process to get them out of your bed and into their own, but if you are consistent and don’t give up, they’ll soon make the transition and you’ll get back those stolen moments in bed for you and your partner.

And by the way, put a lock on your bedroom door today! It’s totally OK for your kids to know Mommy and Daddy regularly take “private time” together. Don’t worry about not being there for them if they really need you. That’s what monitors and knocking are for!

2. Distinguish between vacations and family trips and take both
If you have ever had to travel with small children, you know that family trips are not a vacation for parents. While it is wonderful to see your child experience the beach or Disneyland for the first time, it does not give you the mental and physical break you need. So, go ahead and book that trip to Sea World — but remember to budget time and money for adult-only vacations in which you can get away with your spouse solo. Spending time away from your usual roles as parents will give you a chance to reconnect with your sensual side, free of PB&J requests and “Dora the Explorer” reruns!

3. Don’t be a superparent
Limit your children’s after-school activities to just one or two per season. If you run yourself ragged driving your children to every activity under the sun, you won’t have the time or energy for romance or sex. However, remember to take advantage of the time your children spend at after-school activities (or even better, weekend activities when you and your partner are both home) — an empty house means some privacy for you and your partner!

4. Set a united front
When your children try to get a “yes” out of Mommy after Daddy has already said “no,” problems can erupt in the bedroom and beyond. If one or both of you feels as though your opinion has been disregarded, it can be very hard to turn off that frustration and get in the mood. Indeed, you might even end up feeling your own spouse is the enemy! Bypass these discipline problems by agreeing to never go over each other’s head. The house rule should be “If Mommy says no, so does Daddy, and vice versa.” Deciding as a couple how you want to handle discipline ahead of time is also important, not only for presenting a united front to the kids, but for the sake of your connection as well.

5. Write it in stone
Date night is the highlight of many parents’ long weeks, but too often this night gets pushed aside due to little family disturbances. Set your date night in stone, even if little Jimmy really wants to have friends over, or if your baby-sitter threatens to raise her hourly rate. Couples absolutely must have alone time together in which they can talk, bond and be intimate, so date night should only be canceled as a last resort.

With a little bit of teamwork and compromise, you can have it all — a fabulous family life and a loving, passionate relationship. Remember the greatest gift you can give your kids is a model of a loving, intimate relationship. That means setting boundaries for your children and making your partner a priority. Commit to your children, but keep your sex life a priority as well!

Tips for parents with toddlers

Finding time for making love is tough with a toddler in the house, and no one knows that better than veteran parents. That’s why we asked them how they keep the home fires burning. Here are their best tips and tricks (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) for squeezing in some love time.

Saturday morning cartoons can spell fun for you, too
While your child watches the Magic School Bus, you and your partner can take a ride of your own. “Set your child up in front of the television, and away you go to nookie central, at least for ten to 15 minutes,” says Mollee O., a mom in Southern California. Of course this works only if your child is old enough to be left alone safely for a short time.

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