Kids are a delight, but they can also be problematic when it comes to keeping the spark alive between you and your spouse.

In today’s child-centric society, it can be difficult to find couple time, especially when romance is in order.

Luckily, you can safeguard your relationship from this common problem by following these five simple steps:

1. Embrace separate beds
Unless you are Suzanne Somers, three is not company. This is especially true when you and your husband aren’t able to bond (wink, wink) due to the pitter-patter of little feet that head to your bedroom every night. It might be hard to turn away the kiddies, especially when they are so fun to cuddle with, but don’t forget that cuddling your partner is important, too! More importantly, your children need to learn how to sleep on their own and be independent. Help your children adjust to sleeping on their own by making it a treat - buy special sheets with their favorite cartoon characters, get them a nightlight, and remind them that big kids sleep in their own room. If they’ve been sleeping with you for a while, it’ll be a process to get them out of your bed and into their own, but if you are consistent and don’t give up, they’ll soon make the transition and you’ll get back those stolen moments in bed for you and your partner.

And by the way, put a lock on your bedroom door today! It’s totally OK for your kids to know Mommy and Daddy regularly take “private time” together. Don’t worry about not being there for them if they really need you. That’s what monitors and knocking are for!

2. Distinguish between vacations and family trips and take both
If you have ever had to travel with small children, you know that family trips are not a vacation for parents. While it is wonderful to see your child experience the beach or Disneyland for the first time, it does not give you the mental and physical break you need. So, go ahead and book that trip to Sea World - but remember to budget time and money for adult-only vacations in which you can get away with your spouse solo. Spending time away from your usual roles as parents will give you a chance to reconnect with your sensual side, free of PB&J requests and “Dora the Explorer” reruns!

3. Don’t be a superparent
Limit your children’s after-school activities to just one or two per season. If you run yourself ragged driving your children to every activity under the sun, you won’t have the time or energy for romance or sex. However, remember to take advantage of the time your children spend at after-school activities (or even better, weekend activities when you and your partner are both home) - an empty house means some privacy for you and your partner!

4. Set a united front
When your children try to get a “yes” out of Mommy after Daddy has already said “no,” problems can erupt in the bedroom and beyond. If one or both of you feels as though your opinion has been disregarded, it can be very hard to turn off that frustration and get in the mood. Indeed, you might even end up feeling your own spouse is the enemy! Bypass these discipline problems by agreeing to never go over each other’s head. The house rule should be “If Mommy says no, so does Daddy, and vice versa.” Deciding as a couple how you want to handle discipline ahead of time is also important, not only for presenting a united front to the kids, but for the sake of your connection as well.

5. Write it in stone
Date night is the highlight of many parents’ long weeks, but too often this night gets pushed aside due to little family disturbances. Set your date night in stone, even if little Jimmy really wants to have friends over, or if your baby-sitter threatens to raise her hourly rate. Couples absolutely must have alone time together in which they can talk, bond and be intimate, so date night should only be canceled as a last resort.

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Whether it’s low sex or no sex, two new books attempt to dispel the gender stereotype that women have all the “headaches.” The Sex-Starved Wife, by Michele Weiner Davis, and He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore, by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz, quash the idea that men are always ready for sex. USA TODAYspoke with the authors about men who aren’t in the mood.

Q: Is there an average or normal amount of sexual activity among married couples, and how does it change with time?

Weiner Davis: It’s really very subjective. For some couples, if they had sex twice a week, they’d think they died and went to heaven. For others, it would put them in divorce court. Mutual interest needs to be taken into account.
Yager-Berkowitz: To me, what’s normal is if both partners are happy. From the first days of a relationship to maybe three years, the brain hormones of people tend to be far more sexual to reproduce or form an attachment for all kinds of cultural and psychological reasons. What’s normal in the first year of a relationship is very different in 10 years.

Q: Describe what happens in a sex-starved relationship.
Weiner Davis: It’s when one spouse is desperately yearning for more touch, physical closeness, more sex, and the other spouse is thinking: “What is the big deal? Why are you so hassled?” When this major disconnect happens, intimacy at all levels tends to drop. It’s really about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated and feeling connected and, in this case, feeling feminine. Because of the hurt, they stop spending time together. They stop laughing at each other’s jokes. They stop making eye contact. The bond between them really dissipates, and it puts the marriage at risk for infidelity and divorce.

Q: Is avoidance of sexual intimacy primarily a problem of today’s baby boomers?
Berkowitz: It’s not an old person or a middle-aged person’s problem. We heard from young people who say the sex stopped at the honeymoon. A lot of guys are angry with their wives and say she’s critical and controlling. They reacted by shutting down sexually. About half the time in a non-sexual marriage, it’s the man who is not interested. Having sex is a habit, and not having sex is a habit, too. It becomes easier not to do it than to do it.

Q: What are your professional backgrounds?
Weiner Davis: I’m a licensed social worker and a marriage therapist specializing in work with couples since the early ’80s.
Berkowitz: I have a Ph.D. in clinical sexology from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. I mainly do research, studying the effect media has on sexual behavior.
Yager-Berkowitz: I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology. We do a column for ThirdAge.com, a website for baby boomers, and answer questions as marriage experts.

Q: You surveyed more than 4,000 men and women online who identified themselves as currently or in the past being in a sexless marriage (sex 10 times a year or less). What findings surprised you the most?
Berkowitz: It shocked me that 68% of men said the reason for their slumping sex drive is that “she’s not sexually adventurous enough.” That’s a lot of finger-pointing. So many used “not adventurous” as an excuse.
Yager-Berkowitz: A number of men in our survey said the wife had gained too much weight - 38% of men said she “gained a significant amount of weight.” Also, it surprised me that 30% of men admitted they had ED (erectile dysfunction). Even 15 years ago, I don’t think that would have happened. Now that there are some solutions and some hope, that’s allowed a conversation to open up.

Q: You and Redbook magazine surveyed 1,004 women online about their husbands’ low sexual desire; you say that low desire is often mistaken for erectile dysfunction. Why?
Weiner Davis: So many people in the general public think low sexual desire is synonymous with ED. He doesn’t want sex because he can’t have sex. There is some truth to that, in that ED can turn into a problem of low sexual desire, but it is vastly overrated as the only reason men turn off to sex. A man who has erectile dysfunction does not always have low sexual desire. In fact, he will only get low sexual desire if he can’t find some effective way or means to remedy the situation because then it becomes an ordeal rather than pleasure. But if a man learns how to manage and overcome it, he might have very high sexual desire.

Q: What should women do to broach the subject with their husbands?
Weiner Davis: What I’ve found in my practice is how quickly women go from being hurt to being angry. Anger is what men hear from their wives. The more hurt she is, the angrier she gets and the less sex he wants to have with her. It really helps to talk in terms of your own feelings and speak from a more vulnerable position - missing him, wanting to be closer to him, loving the relationship when you are closer physically. Compliment him anytime he approaches anything sexual, even though it’s not overtly sexual. Build him up instead of tearing him down.

Why Men Leave: Sex

Women and men often have dramatically different views of divorce, with men most likely to blame sex and money for a split, while women cite physical or verbal abuse, a new survey found.

In a new GfK Roper poll, 22 percent of men said sex was the reason their marriages fell apart, essentially a tie with the 23 percent that pointed to money. (The poll had a margin of error of plus or minus 2.6 percent.)

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We all know that regular sex is an important part of a healthy, happy relationship, but did you know that regular sex is also an important part of a healthy, happy body? Indeed, sex is more than just a pleasurable activity - it is a big part of who we are, both emotionally and physically.

A recent Newsweek article found that regular sex has six amazing health benefits - it can increase a youthful appearance, it can promote the production of germ-fighting antibodies, it can strengthen a woman’s pelvic floor, it can burn calories, it can stabilize a woman’s menstrual cycle and it can offer natural pain relief in the form of orgasms.

While a healthy sex life can contribute to a healthy body, an unhealthy body can also contribute to an unhealthy sex life. If your sex life has been lackluster or sub-par lately, the reasons might be more obvious than you might think:

Poor nutrition: Fast food not only does a number on your waistline, it can also do a number on your sex life. This is particularly true as we age and reach menopause. During menopause, estrogen levels get out of whack, which causes insulin levels to increase and thyroid levels to go down. Thus, women end up eating more food and burning fewer calories, which causes weight to accumulate. Healthy food choices are imperative during this time, as is daily exercise. (Don’t forget to take advantage of Newsweek’s findings - sex is a cardiovascular exercise, so trade it in for the stationary bike and you can still burn up to 300 calories an hour!)

Stress: Expanded waistlines can also be due to another hormone: cortisol. Otherwise known as the stress hormone, cortisol can lead to all kinds of health problems, including excess abdominal fat. Cortisol is also a known libido-killer, so it is no wonder that sex is the last thing on your mind after a bad day at work. Exercise and meditation can decrease cortisol to a healthy level, which can improve your blood pressure and your love life. Another good way to decrease stress is to keep a “gratitude journal” - researchers have found that people who express gratitude and appreciation daily feel less stressed out than people who do not.

Lack of sleep: Insomnia is often a vicious cycle, beginning with a caffeine overdrive in the morning, and ending with exhaustion in the evening. Most Americans would agree that they barely have the energy for sex at the end of the day! Improve your sleeping habits - and consequently, your sex habits - by cutting back on caffeine throughout the day. Substitute your giant cup of a coffee with a small cup of tea, and snack on foods like almonds throughout the day - they give you a natural burst of energy without the sugar dip that comes from a candy bar.

Last but not least, get the television out of your bedroom! A recent study found that the blue lights emitted from TV can disrupt sleeping patterns and restfulness throughout the entire night. And, finally, if you really just don’t have the energy for sex in the evening, make an effort to rise a little early in the morning in order to have time for sex before work.

Good health and good sex go hand-in-hand. And, since most of us are making resolutions to be healthier in 2008, it is good to know that regular intercourse is a big part of being in tip-top shape. Finally, a resolution that will be fun to keep!

Major Health Benefits of Sex

Many people simply enjoy a healthy sex life because sex is pleasurable. Now there’s another reason to stay under the sheets; there are substantial health benefits of sex. Enjoying a rigorous romp can do wonders for everyone both physically and psychologically. Now, men everywhere can tell their ladies that sex is not only for fun, but, since there are health benefits of sex, their lives may depend on it.

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I will resist suggesting I am starting off the New Year with a bang when I reveal that a new and very important and/or disturbing (depending on whether you have laced your cornflakes with a David Copperfield mushroom or two) thesis has now been published as a book.

The title might interest many of you: “Love and Sex with Robots- The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships” by David Levy.

And the thesis itself finds a rather neat climax at the very end of the book: “Great sex on tap for everyone, 24/7. What’s not to like?” Well, the tap part, for example. Doesn’t that rather downgrade the, um, romance part?

You will not, perhaps, be surprised that Mr. Levy is a former chess grand master who, having become bored with the board, became fascinated with the bordello. Or at least what happens within it.

Before I further quote Mr Levy, I want to underline that his is a serious work. He defended this thesis in October of last year at the University of Maastricht.

Alright then, are you ready for this? Mr. Levy believes that Massachusetts will be the first state to legalize human/robot marriages.

” Massachusetts is more liberal than most other jurisdictions in the U.S. and it has been at the forefront of same-sex marriage,” declares Mr. Levy. “There’s also a lot of high-tech research there at places like MIT.”

I’m not sure I have this quite right, but is he suggesting that those who are more liberal about gay marriage will be equally liberal about man in flagrante machina?

Mr. Levy does border on the nonchalant when he declares that intercoursal robots will be mere upgrades of blowup dolls: “It’s just a matter of adding some electronics to add some vibration. That’s fairly primitive in terms of robotics. The technology is already there.”

I am not sure I could possibly turn to my paramour and suggest to her that she is fairly primitive in terms of robotics. But I would very much appreciate it if readers could all try popping this question when they get home tonight. It will be fascinating to see whether there are any men or women who would find this description flattering.

I find myself resisting the urge to imagine what Mr. Levy’s sex life might have resembled up to this point (he says he’s happily married and that he would try having sex with a robot and wouldn’t mind if his wife tried it too), so I turn to the words of Henrik Christensen, the founder of the European Robotics Research Network.

In 2006, Mr. Christensen declared somewhat modestly that people will be having sex with robots within five years. Please mark your calendar. In 2011, Gisele Bundchen, Tom Cruise, Kathy Bates, whichever of these might be your chosen partner, will be yours. With the appropriate added vibration and image licensing rights.

Some of you might be wondering: Cui Bono? Well, Mr. Levy and his fellow techno-electrodollogists have given this subject great thought: “If you ask me if every human will want to marry a robot, my answer is probably not. But will there be a subset of people? There are people ready right now to marry sex toys.”

One assumes from Mr. Levy’s other proclamations that he has a suspicion that many of these sex toy nuptialists are at MIT.

This perhaps might be the reason why, in the highly prescient ABC series, “Boston Legal,” Jerry Espensen, a lawyer known as “Hands” (please don’t ask, watch the show) has a blowup doll with which he has a very meaningful relationship. Indeed, when he tried having a relationship with a human, he found himself dumped for an iPhone.

However, I think anyone out there, in Boston or elsewhere, who knows someone, or indeed, has the notion themselves, of marrying a sex toy, should write me and help unblur those lines for those of us who are less enlightened.

In essence, Levy argues that robots will be most welcomed by those who have trouble making relationships with humans: “…those who are extremely shy, or have psychological problems or are just plain ugly or have unpleasant personalities.”

Hold on, I know many people who would not be considered attractive with extremely unpleasant personalities who seem to do very well with their target sex. And I am thinking neither of Mickey Rourke nor Jack Welch nor Cherie Blair when I say this.

Levy is human enough to accept that electrodolls might well cause some friction in those old-fashioned human/human marriages. However, he declares: “Maybe some other relationships could welcome a robot. Instead of a woman saying ‘not tonight, darling, I have a headache,’ you could get ‘I have a headache, darling. Why not use your robot?’”

Leaving aside the gross sexism inherent in his presumption, it seems to me that Levy has his philosophical knickers very much twisted. But to him, a man who has immersed himself in chess and artificial intelligence, having sex with a robot is nothing other than a further evolutional step that began with interracial marriages.

Perhaps I have a romantic notion about relationships, but I find it very difficult to grasp that a robot could ever take the place of those that I love. Maybe I’m the naive one, standing in the way of progress like someone using their hotel phone at the CES conference.

So please let me underline Mr. Levy’s scientific credentials. In the 1990s he led a team that won the 1997 Loebner Prize, something akin to a world championship of artificially intelligent conversational software. And today he runs a company that makes electronic brain games. Hand-held, naturally.

Sex with robots by 2050

An artificial intelligence expert claims we will be having sex with robots by 2050.

David Levy says by then robots will be nearly indistinguishable from real people.

In his book, Sex With Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot relationships, he writes: ‘Great sex on tap for everyone, 24/7. What’s not to like?’

According to Levy, the people who are most likely to benefit from these sexbots are those so ugly or isolated that they have trouble finding human romance.

He said: “They’re lonely, they’re miserable. I think society will be a much better place when they have an alternative that satisfies them without doing any harm to other people.”

“If there was a robot of the sort I describe in the book, I would certainly want to experience using it for sex and I wouldn’t regard it as anything untoward. “I would do it out of curiosity. Not that I have a need for a new sex partner, I’m happily married.”