You’re locked in an embrace with your lover but, for all intents and purposes, you’re miles away. You hope your mate won’t notice, then instantly feel guilty about it. All you need is more to stress over.
With things crazy at the office, bills, the kids’ schedules, and no time for the gym or dates with your sweetie, these days you feel like a penniless promotion-chasing automaton in the marshmallow body of a neutered chauffeur.
To make matters worse, the distraction factory of your neurotic brain has hijacked your precious libido, and in this age of chronic stress it feels like the ransom may be too high.
“Stress is the trash of modern life - we all generate it, but if you don’t dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life,” said the oft-quoted philosopher Danze Pace.
Stress can wreak havoc on body, mind and spirit, so it’s no wonder it can also complicate, or even decimate, one’s sex life.
“Even though you’re making love, you may not be in the Zen of it. You’re thinking about the 12 things on your list … groceries, laundry, work, the kids … you’re not in the moment,” says professor Sandra Byers, a sex therapist and chair of the department of psychology at the University of New Brunswick.
Such mental clutter can interfere with desire, arousal and the quality of sex you’re having, which can cause a downward spiral, says Byers.
“If you’re making love in conditions that aren’t good for you - ie. it’s not enjoyable, you’re just not into it or you feel coerced - it may make you less interested in having sex the next time,” she says.
Stress is a psychological event, Byers adds. And the biggest sex organ is the brain.
“Not that stress doesn’t have a physiological impact, but it’s my inability to cope that makes it stressful. It’s very subjective. A high-stress job won’t necessarily have a negative impact on one’s sex life. It may even charge you up,” she says.
On the flip side, anxiety can make it impossible to relax and get into the mood.
Anxiety causes the release of fight-or-flight hormone cortisol, which halts the relaxation response necessary for the early stages of arousal.
Anxiety constricts blood vessels, including those to the genitals, and can lead to lack of arousal in women, and erectile disturbances in men, says Toronto sex therapist Wendy Trainor.
“Being sexual is one of the ways adults play together. When one or both parties don’t feel like having sex, because they’re too busy, tired or worried about performance, they may avoid being affectionate with each other for fear it will lead to sex,” says Trainor. “Gradually, they will become more distant from one another.”
Dr. Chris Van Vuuren of Jasper Avenue Medical Clinic in Edmonton says he sees younger men regularly who are experiencing erectile dysfunction due to stress or relationship problems.
“I prescribe Viagra, Levitra or Cialis as confidence boosters, and after a while they usually don’t need it,” says Van Vuuren, adding that sometimes couples therapy is a good complement.
Trainor says it’s important for couples to make their relationship a priority despite life’s daily pressures.
“They need to schedule time for each other: date night, afternoons where they get a babysitter or ask a relative to take the kids for a few hours, or using the kids’ ‘nap time’ as downtime for themselves,” she says.
Women aged 18 to 81 listed over 300 things that could affect their sexual response in a 2004 study by the Kinsey Institute. Some key stressors were work, children and body image.
“Women, in particular, are extremely vulnerable to having stress impact their sex life,” says Dr. Robin Milhausen, a sex expert from the University of Guelph who worked on the study, and a former host of the Life Network show “Sex, Toys & Chocolate.”
“Men’s arousal appeared to be more robust. They’re bothered to a lesser degree and were able to put aside thoughts and worries of the day more easily than women,” says Milhausen, adding that women still bear the burden of a dual-income household, juggling family, relationship and job to the point that sexual desire suffers.
“Anything men can do for their partners to share this burden will benefit the sexual relationship for both partners,” she says.
Exercise is known to lower stress hormones, so why not squeeze a workout in 30 minutes before you plan to get horizontal.
And men, remember to slow down.
“Men can be engorged and ready to go very quickly, but it can take 20 minutes or more for women to reach peak sexual arousal. Men need to be aware that we move at a different pace,” says Milhausen.
Take some time to recharge your batteries together before expecting the sparks to fly. A sensual massage or a shared bath can go a long way towards decompressing from the day while putting you both in the mood. Even if you don’t get busy all the time, who cares? Sometimes not being busy is the whole point.
Protect yourself from holiday illness with holiday sex!
Tensions run high over the holidays: the in-laws, the financial stress, the constant baking, distant relatives visiting or the kids being home from school. It’s enough to make people put their sex lives on hold until the New Year.
Medically, however, this can be a huge problem. Sex can be one of the most natural and effective ways to deal with stress, which can be a leading contributor to holiday illness. Only in America could we find a way to make time off even more difficult than time spent working.
Sex is a powerful way to release endorphins and relax muscles that can’t be reached otherwise, and it provides the following health benefits that can all help to decrease the likelihood of being floored by a holiday bug. So before you brush aside the thought of sex, here are a few things to think about:
1. Sex is exercise. And, you know how good exercise is for you. It burns calories, strengthens the cardiovascular system, improves endurance, releases endorphins, and builds muscles. Having vigorous sex burns a lot of calories! You will increase your heart rate more than you could ever do at a gym, and you won’t have to worry about wiping the machine down for the next person.
2. Stop headaches. Find yourself having more headaches and body aches during the holidays? Maybe that’s because you aren’t releasing the right hormones, such as DHEA and oxytocin. In addition to protecting the prostate gland, some studies show that sexual activity reduces joint pain, lowers the amount of headaches a person has and reduces pain severity. Lay off the pills and eggnog, and switch the Bing Crosby to Barry White. He’s got a holiday album, too. It’s called “Staying Power.”
3. Keep your body tuned up. Regular sex strengthens the vaginal muscles, and helps prevent infection, while also keeping the vagina flexible and healthy. A mechanic will tell you that during the snowy season, you have to run your car every day even when you aren’t using it in order to keep the valves lubricated. You see where this is going.
Maybe you are too busy for the kind of foreplay to which you have become accustomed. That’s no problem. After all, the holidays are only temporary. If you need help, now might be the time to explore what your local sex shop has to offer in the way of gifts for the both of you: sex toys, candles, bubble bath, lingerie, fun lubricants like Replens Intimate Options Mousse, new enhancement potions, and movies that you shouldn’t watch with the kids.
Every stocking has a bottom that no one can see, and it’s always nice to find something special down there that will help you get through the holidays smiling.
