Make good sex better!
Are you and your partner having good sex — or great sex? Good sex is sex that is generally satisfying and leaves each partner feeling emotionally and physically fulfilled. Great sex is the same, except it is more intense and more uninhibited … the kind of sex you don’t soon forget!
Many couples in long-term relationships assume that adventurous and uninhibited sex is a thing of the past. This is particularly true when people get stuck in a “good sex” rut — they go through the same motions every time because it gets the job done. When it is over, each partner has been satisfied … but there certainly weren’t fireworks.
For instance, a couple recently came to see me at the Berman Center seeking help for their love life. Despite their happy marriage, Keith and Elizabeth were experiencing intimacy issues. Sex was infrequent, and when it did occur, it often was dull and monotonous. However, between their full-time jobs and raising three kids, neither of them thought they had time to reignite the passion in the bedroom.
In addition to working with them to make space for themselves and each other in their busy lives, I gave Keith and Elizabeth some “homework” to get back in touch with each other’s bodies. I instructed them to engage in a night of VENIS — very erotic no-intercourse sex. In the VENIS program, you can be as imaginative and provocative as you want — massage oils, feathers, body paint, props, etc. The only rule is “no intercourse.” The idea is to enjoy each other’s bodies without rushing toward the finish line. Before sending Keith and Elizabeth off to VENIS land, I supplied them with a basket full of erotic goodies: chocolate body paint, handcuffs, a vibrating rubber ducky and blindfolds. When they came back in for their next session, they told me that their night of VENIS was the best “sex” they ever had!
Here are other ways to turn “good” sex into “great” sex:
The fantasy box: Create a fantasy box and store it in your bedroom. You and your partner should write down your fantasies on little slips of paper and place them in the fantasy box. Every once in a while, when your sex life needs a little extra oomph, dip into the fantasy box and start playing! Making fantasies come true is a great way to bring spice back into the bedroom.
Tantra: Tantric sex not only prolongs sex and improves the quality of orgasms, it also helps increase the emotional intimacy between you and your partner. One great tantric tool is “soul-gazing.” Here’s how to do it: When you are both undressed, sit on the bed facing each other and place your right hand over your partner’s heart and gaze into your partner’s left eye. Synchronize your breathing while you maintain eye contact. Soul-gazing returns sex to that sacred space where intercourse is a holy, valued activity between two people in love.
Bring “sexyback”: Most women need to feel sexy in order to feel sexual desire. However, between driving in traffic, rushing to make dinner and getting the kids in bed, women often feel harried and unattractive at the end of the day. This is where the importance of “me” time comes in. It may sound cliche, but unless you make time to recharge, nurture yourself and get in touch with your senses (massage, bubble bath, pedicure), it will be hard to feel sexy. You may even invest in a little bit of sexy lingerie. Once you start to feel sexy on the outside, it might change the way you approach intimacy. Who knows? You might even be inspired to give your man a little lap dance.
The bottom line is that great sex isn’t as far away as you think. With just a little bit of work, any couple can have fireworks in the bedroom … even on a regular Monday night!
Four Positions for a Better Orgasm
Of course you want a steamier sex life — but there is more to it then candlelight and lingerie. There are actual tried-and-true methods for getting better stimulated and having the Big O. So, get ready for hotter sex with suggestions that will surprise and thrill your partner, from Deborah Sundahl, author of Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot. Feel free to print this out and bring it to bed with you. We doubt your partner will complain!
Modified Missionary
You’ve probably tried the standard missionary position before. But many women complain that they cannot achieve an orgasm with the man lying on top. This modified version should take things up a notch:
Lie on your back and put your legs over your partner’s shoulders. This is a good position if you need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, and it is a nice way to begin to experience building a G-spot orgasm. He’ll have a lot of control over stimulating your G-spot, and you can play with your clitoris to have an orgasm.
Mouth and Finger, Yum!
Many women have an easier time achieving an orgasm through oral sex than with intercourse. And since we can only assume that your partner would love nothing more than to try new ways to please you — walk him through the following exercise:
Ask your partner not to use the tongue as a vibrator on your clit, but to caress your clitoris, urethra and vaginal opening with lips and tongue. Slower is better, so you have time to absorb all the sensations and to remember to relax.
When you feel aroused, ask him to insert a finger, ever so slowly, and rub your G-spot very slowly but firmly. Over time, your G-spot will become more easily aroused, and swollen, and less stimulation will be necessary to feel ready for orgasm.
The point of this exercise is to relax and allow the sensitivity and pleasure to grow and evolve by shifting your focus bit by bit from clitoris to G-spot, over many lovemaking sessions.
Face to Face on a Stool
A tall kitchen stool is perfect for communicating and slowly working up to soulful eye-to-eye communication. If you are used to closing your eyes and burying your head in the pillow, you’ll find that in this position you are more present and equal. No one’s weight is on anyone, you are facing each other (he’s standing and you’re sitting). You can look down at his penis, and he can get valuable feedback about the types of strokes he is delivering when he sees your face and hears your delighted sounds.
Because this position provides intense stimulation to the G-spot and a clear, direct way to communicate, this is the best position for both of you to learn how to awaken and stimulate your G-spot. Your clitoris can also be easily stimulated.
This position is excellent for deep penetration — if the stool is sturdy — and for exploring how deep, penetrating thrusts can trigger the sensations of a uterine orgasm (different than a vaginal orgasm, but equally enjoyable). It’s likely that at first you may not have an orgasm and you may not ejaculate, but it’s worth it to explore a uterine orgasm.
Standing up from Behind
This position borrows certain elements of the popular “doggy-style” position, where the woman is on her hands and knees and is entered from behind. But if you try standing up, slightly bent forward, you’ll find more pressure on the G-spot than with the traditional doggy-style position. Your partner’s movements will push forward against your G-spot, and that’s exactly what you want for good stimulation.
In all these sexual positions, it is important to have your G-spot aroused before he enters. Expressing your delight in your growing sensitivity and arousal is the best way to communicate with him. If he hears, “Oh, oh, my gosh! Oh, that is so sensitive!” he will slow down, but stay aroused and excited. If you say, “I need you to slow down,” especially in a nonerotic voice, he may feel he is being dictated to or worry that he is not pleasing you. His fun and confidence will be affected and he may lose his erection. G-spot sensitivity, G-spot orgasms and ejaculating freely will not happen overnight. He’ll learn a few things, and you’ll give up a few things while you wait for him to catch up. Let him know when he really hits the target. It’s helpful to say to your partner, “Oh, oh, oh, please remember that spot!” That gets the message across in an exciting way.
Don’t expect him always to remember, but do expect him to catch on after a while. The great thing about all these positions — and more generally about learning to awaken your G-spot — is the gradualness with which this can occur. Unlike learning to have an orgasm, which often leads people to stick to one method, variety in how you experience pleasure and orgasm will increase as you slowly incorporate your G-spot awakening into what you already do.