You’re locked in an embrace with your lover but, for all intents and purposes, you’re miles away. You hope your mate won’t notice, then instantly feel guilty about it. All you need is more to stress over.

With things crazy at the office, bills, the kids’ schedules, and no time for the gym or dates with your sweetie, these days you feel like a penniless promotion-chasing automaton in the marshmallow body of a neutered chauffeur.

To make matters worse, the distraction factory of your neurotic brain has hijacked your precious libido, and in this age of chronic stress it feels like the ransom may be too high.

“Stress is the trash of modern life - we all generate it, but if you don’t dispose of it properly, it will pile up and overtake your life,” said the oft-quoted philosopher Danze Pace.

Stress can wreak havoc on body, mind and spirit, so it’s no wonder it can also complicate, or even decimate, one’s sex life.

“Even though you’re making love, you may not be in the Zen of it. You’re thinking about the 12 things on your list … groceries, laundry, work, the kids … you’re not in the moment,” says professor Sandra Byers, a sex therapist and chair of the department of psychology at the University of New Brunswick.

Such mental clutter can interfere with desire, arousal and the quality of sex you’re having, which can cause a downward spiral, says Byers.

“If you’re making love in conditions that aren’t good for you - ie. it’s not enjoyable, you’re just not into it or you feel coerced - it may make you less interested in having sex the next time,” she says.

Stress is a psychological event, Byers adds. And the biggest sex organ is the brain.

“Not that stress doesn’t have a physiological impact, but it’s my inability to cope that makes it stressful. It’s very subjective. A high-stress job won’t necessarily have a negative impact on one’s sex life. It may even charge you up,” she says.

On the flip side, anxiety can make it impossible to relax and get into the mood.

Anxiety causes the release of fight-or-flight hormone cortisol, which halts the relaxation response necessary for the early stages of arousal.

Anxiety constricts blood vessels, including those to the genitals, and can lead to lack of arousal in women, and erectile disturbances in men, says Toronto sex therapist Wendy Trainor.

“Being sexual is one of the ways adults play together. When one or both parties don’t feel like having sex, because they’re too busy, tired or worried about performance, they may avoid being affectionate with each other for fear it will lead to sex,” says Trainor. “Gradually, they will become more distant from one another.”

Dr. Chris Van Vuuren of Jasper Avenue Medical Clinic in Edmonton says he sees younger men regularly who are experiencing erectile dysfunction due to stress or relationship problems.

“I prescribe Viagra, Levitra or Cialis as confidence boosters, and after a while they usually don’t need it,” says Van Vuuren, adding that sometimes couples therapy is a good complement.

Trainor says it’s important for couples to make their relationship a priority despite life’s daily pressures.

“They need to schedule time for each other: date night, afternoons where they get a babysitter or ask a relative to take the kids for a few hours, or using the kids’ ‘nap time’ as downtime for themselves,” she says.

Women aged 18 to 81 listed over 300 things that could affect their sexual response in a 2004 study by the Kinsey Institute. Some key stressors were work, children and body image.

“Women, in particular, are extremely vulnerable to having stress impact their sex life,” says Dr. Robin Milhausen, a sex expert from the University of Guelph who worked on the study, and a former host of the Life Network show “Sex, Toys & Chocolate.”

“Men’s arousal appeared to be more robust. They’re bothered to a lesser degree and were able to put aside thoughts and worries of the day more easily than women,” says Milhausen, adding that women still bear the burden of a dual-income household, juggling family, relationship and job to the point that sexual desire suffers.

“Anything men can do for their partners to share this burden will benefit the sexual relationship for both partners,” she says.

Exercise is known to lower stress hormones, so why not squeeze a workout in 30 minutes before you plan to get horizontal.

And men, remember to slow down.

“Men can be engorged and ready to go very quickly, but it can take 20 minutes or more for women to reach peak sexual arousal. Men need to be aware that we move at a different pace,” says Milhausen.

Take some time to recharge your batteries together before expecting the sparks to fly. A sensual massage or a shared bath can go a long way towards decompressing from the day while putting you both in the mood. Even if you don’t get busy all the time, who cares? Sometimes not being busy is the whole point.

Protect yourself from holiday illness with holiday sex!

Tensions run high over the holidays: the in-laws, the financial stress, the constant baking, distant relatives visiting or the kids being home from school. It’s enough to make people put their sex lives on hold until the New Year.

Medically, however, this can be a huge problem. Sex can be one of the most natural and effective ways to deal with stress, which can be a leading contributor to holiday illness. Only in America could we find a way to make time off even more difficult than time spent working.

Sex is a powerful way to release endorphins and relax muscles that can’t be reached otherwise, and it provides the following health benefits that can all help to decrease the likelihood of being floored by a holiday bug. So before you brush aside the thought of sex, here are a few things to think about:

1. Sex is exercise. And, you know how good exercise is for you. It burns calories, strengthens the cardiovascular system, improves endurance, releases endorphins, and builds muscles. Having vigorous sex burns a lot of calories! You will increase your heart rate more than you could ever do at a gym, and you won’t have to worry about wiping the machine down for the next person.

2. Stop headaches. Find yourself having more headaches and body aches during the holidays? Maybe that’s because you aren’t releasing the right hormones, such as DHEA and oxytocin. In addition to protecting the prostate gland, some studies show that sexual activity reduces joint pain, lowers the amount of headaches a person has and reduces pain severity. Lay off the pills and eggnog, and switch the Bing Crosby to Barry White. He’s got a holiday album, too. It’s called “Staying Power.”

3. Keep your body tuned up. Regular sex strengthens the vaginal muscles, and helps prevent infection, while also keeping the vagina flexible and healthy. A mechanic will tell you that during the snowy season, you have to run your car every day even when you aren’t using it in order to keep the valves lubricated. You see where this is going.

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After childbirth, sex may be the last thing on your mind. If you’re feeling up to it, follow your sex drive where it leads.

Sex after pregnancy happens. Honestly. But first, vaginal soreness and sheer exhaustion are likely to take a toll. Whether you’re in the mood or sex is the last thing on your mind, here’s what you need to know about sex after pregnancy.

After the baby is born, how soon can I have sex?

Whether you give birth vaginally or by C-section, your body will need time to heal. Many doctors recommend waiting six weeks before resuming intercourse. This allows time for the cervix to close, postpartum bleeding to stop, and any tears or repaired lacerations to heal.

But the other important timeline is your own. Some women feel ready to resume sex within a few weeks of giving birth. Others need more time. Factors such as fatigue, postpartum blues and changes in body image may take a toll on your sex drive.

Will it hurt?

Your vagina may be dry and tender, especially if you’re breast-feeding. To ease any discomfort, take it slow. Start with cuddling, kissing or massage. Gradually build the intensity of stimulation. If vaginal dryness is a problem, use a lubricating cream or gel. Try different positions to take pressure off any sore areas and control penetration. Tell your partner what feels good — and what doesn’t.

If sex continues to be painful, consult your doctor. A low-dose estrogen cream applied to the vagina often helps. Rarely, complications of healing may require additional treatment.

Will it feel different?

After several vaginal deliveries, decreased muscle tone in the vagina may reduce pleasurable friction during sex — which can influence arousal. To tone your pelvic floor muscles, remember to do your Kegel exercises. Simply tighten your pelvic muscles as if you’re stopping your stream of urine. Try it for five seconds at a time, four or five times in a row. Repeat throughout the day.

What about birth control?

Unless you’re hoping to become pregnant right away, sex after pregnancy requires a reliable method of birth control — even if you’re breast-feeding. Barrier methods such as condoms and spermicides can be useful. If you prefer hormonal birth control, it’s important to select a method that doesn’t interfere with breast-feeding. Your postpartum checkup is a great time to ask your doctor about the options.

What if I’m too tired to have sex?

Caring for a newborn can be exhausting. If you’re too tired to have sex at bedtime, say so. But that doesn’t mean your sex life is over. You may prefer making love early in the morning or during your baby’s nap. Feed your baby first to extend the time you and your partner have together.

What if I’m not interested in sex?

That’s OK. There’s more to a sexual relationship than intercourse — especially when you’re adjusting to life with a new baby. If you’re not feeling sexy or you’re afraid sex will hurt, share your concerns with your partner. Until you’re ready to have sex, maintain intimacy in other ways. Spend time together without the baby, even if it’s just a few minutes in the morning and after the baby goes to sleep at night. Share short phone calls throughout the day or occasional soaks in the tub. Look for other ways to express affection.

If communicating with your partner doesn’t help, be alert for signs and symptoms of postpartum depression. If your mood is consistently low, you find little joy in life or you have trouble summoning the energy to start a new day, contact your doctor promptly.

What can I do to boost my sex drive?

Go easy on yourself. Set reasonable expectations as you adjust to parenthood. Appreciate the changes in your body. Eat healthy foods, and drink plenty of fluids. Exercise regularly. Rest as much as you can. Spend some time alone. Taking good care of yourself can go a long way toward keeping passion alive.

Will childbirth affect your sex life?

Yes, it certainly will! So please don’t expect that everything will instantly return to normal. Men are particularly likely to believe this; a lot of young blokes think that they’ll be able to have intercourse as soon as their partner gets home from hospital. But that just isn’t true.

You see, childbirth is a pretty traumatic process for a woman. Having a baby pass through her vagina is almost like having a small explosion go off inside her. The delicate vaginal tissues are inevitably strained, bruised and torn – and it takes some weeks for these injuries to heal up.

Furthermore, childbirth involves very considerable hormone changes hormone changes – as well as emotional stresses. Therefore, very, very few women feel rampagingly sexy until a long time after they have given birth.

Therefore, it’s important for both mother and father to realise that lovemaking may not go brilliantly in the first six months or so after Baby arrives. So be prepared - and be patient!

How soon can you resume having sex?

In general, a woman shouldn’t consider having full sex (ie intercourse) until after her postnatal check-up. This examination usually takes place about six weeks after the birth.

Even then, she may not feel ready to ‘go all the way’ - particularly if she has had stitches and the opening of her vagina is sore.

If you’re in any doubt about whether to resume sex, ask the doctor who does your postnatal examination for advice – particularly about using additional lubrication..

Can you go in for any other sexual activity before resuming intercourse?

Yes – and it can be a good way of ‘letting off steam’. Couples do often get very frustrated when they’re waiting to resume sexual intercourse. This applies particularly to men!

So, in the meantime, you can go in for loveplay - though there is one danger, which we’ll explain in a moment.

Can both of you go as far as the point of climax? Definitely! It will do the postnatal woman no harm at all to have orgasms if she wants to.

So, things you can do include:

• hand petting on the man by the woman - what’s often called a ‘hand job’.
• hand petting of the woman by the man - using his fingers to stimulate her clitoris. But he should not put his fingers inside until she has had her postnatal examination and the doctor has said that everything has healed up. So, just stick to stroking and rubbing the outside of her sex organs. It’s quite safe to pay plenty of attention to her clitoris, which is well away from the area where stitches are put in.
• oral sex performed on the man by the woman. This type of loveplay - termed ‘fellatio’- often proves a great boon to a male who is desperate for sexual release.
• mutual caressing of various other parts of each other’s bodies.

Is there anything we should avoid?

Yes. Please heed this important warning. You’ll note that in the section above we have not recommended oral sex performed by the man on the woman (ie ‘going down ‘ on her).

This activity - often termed ‘cunnilingus’ - is definitely off limits during the first few of months after childbirth.

Why? For two reasons:

• it could introduce infection into the vagina and womb.
• even more seriously, it has occasionally led to death. These tragedies have occurred because the man has (often accidentally) managed to blow air into the vagina. Air can very easily get into the blood vessels of the newly-delivered womb - and cause an often fatal illness called ‘air embolism’. Not long ago, the British newspapers reported an appalling case in which a man forced his wife into cunnilingus shortly after she came home from hospital, puffed air into her – and killed her.

Is it OK to handle the breasts after childbirth?

Yes, it is OK - provided the woman feels happy about it. But don’t go in for ‘boob play’ if she develops any kind of breast disorder, such as a nipple crack or an abscess.

Do feelings for the new baby affect your sex life?

Absolutely! You’ll find that a great deal of time has to be spent taking care of the new baby. Most new mothers - and plenty of new fathers too - feel exhausted because they are never able to get sufficient sleep. This may go on for months - or even a couple of years.

During this time, a man can feel as if his partner is pushing him away. He may think that she is lavishing all her attention on the baby and this may make him feel jealous, or left out.

After watching a partner go through pregnancy and birth, some men gain a new respect for the female body. These guys find it easier to articulate the emotions they feel about the new phase of their relationship and become more considerate of their partner’s changing needs.

But a few men who have been at the birth of their child are quite distressed by what they have seen. Indeed, some of them feel so guilty at the pain their partner has gone through that they are unable to even consider the idea of making love with her again. This is usually just a passing phase, but not always. And such a man should seek help from a counsellor to discuss his feelings.

To create and maintain a good atmosphere in the home, your relationship has to be one of trust and mutual respect. Both partners need to try to understand the other’s point of view. It is vital at this time that the couple can still do things together without the baby being involved so that they can enjoy the feelings they had for each other before they became parents.

We do urge new parents to take advantage of any offers of babysitting that come their way from fond grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends so they can go out together - or even just retire to bed for a sleep and perhaps a spot of sex!

What happens to the female sex drive after birth?

Most women don’t feel very keen on sex for at least a few weeks after childbirth and the main reason for this is simply exhaustion. If the delivery was long or difficult, the woman may also feel anxious about getting pregnant again.

Generally, women start getting their desire back within a couple of months of having a baby. If your libido doesn’t return, then you should seek help from a doctor. Female medics at family planning clinics are particularly good at helping to deal with this problem because they see it all the time.

What do you do when you want to resume sexual intercourse after the birth of your child?

When you’re both ready to have intercourse after the birth, you should begin gently. If possible, try and find a time of the day when you are not too worn out. Also, try to find a time when the baby is not likely to wake up - so you can have some peace and quiet.

Hormone changes and worry can lead to some women experiencing vaginal dryness for the first three months after giving birth. But you don’t take hormones for this. Instead, buy lubricants over the counter from a pharmacist. Try K-Y Jelly, Liquid Silk, or Pjur. Some condoms have a built-in lubricant that may help.

For the first few sex sessions after childbirth, it’s a good idea to choose a position in which the woman can control the pace and depth of penetration. A position with her on top, or one where both partners lie side-by-side facing each other, may be more comfortable.

Don’t forget contraception. It’s very easy to become pregnant again - far sooner than you intended. Try and decide on some form of family planning by the time your baby is four weeks old. If in doubt, ask the doctor at your postnatal examination about contraception.

What do you do if the woman doesn’t regain her interest in sex?

This is quite common. Please bear in mind that it could be a symptom of postnatal depression (PND). If the woman is at all depressed, she should see her GP.

Otherwise, the best thing is for the couple to get some counselling from an expert in sexual problems, for instance at:

• Relate
• Couple Counselling Scotland
• A Family Planning Clinic.

With commonsense advice, a loving couple can usually gets things sorted out – though it may take some months.

During 2005, certain new treatments for increasing female libido are due to come onto the market. They include:

• a testosterone (male hormone) gel.
• a testosterone skin patch.
• alprostadil gel (ALISTA) – a jelly intended for application to the clitoris and surrounding area.
• Eros – a vibrating suction device which is already available, but not on the NHS.

Unfortunately, Viagra and similar drugs have not so far been convincingly shown to help new mothers who are having difficulties with sex. However, in mid-2005, doctors from St Mary’s Hospital, London, published a very small series of cases in which women with poor libido seemed to be helped by using Viagra. But as this treatment is not licensed, it is not available from your GP.

Sex after baby: Do you really have to wait?

This question is very appropriate because many women are anxious to resume an active sex life after giving birth and are afraid to ask their care providers. about this issue.

You may be surprised to learn that the restrictions regarding resumption of sexual intercourse after birth are largely a result of “folk wisdom.” There are no research-based studies that show an ideal waiting time. Women should be given the freedom to chose when they wish to resume sex after birth.

It is observed that it takes approximately six weeks for the uterus to return to “normal” size after vaginal birth. So, early “authorities” felt that the proscription against intercourse should coincide with this landmark.

What we actually see in practice, however, is that some women are emotionally and physically ready for intercourse much earlier. Williams Obstetrics, a respected text, states: “following an uncomplicated delivery, a six-week abstinence from intercourse makes little sense. It can be safely resumed in as little as three weeks or when comfort can be maintained”.

From your description, it sounds as if you may be ready for intercourse far earlier than some other women. If you have had no tearing or episiotomy, and your lochia (bleeding) has changed from red to pink and is scant in amount, it is probably fine for you to resume sexual relations as soon as two weeks postpartum. I would advise this additional week to assure the healing and closure of the cervix.

You will want to protect yourself from another pregnancy by using a contraceptive method.

You should not resume sexual relations if you have any fever, malodorous discharge or red bleeding.

For some women, it takes much longer than six weeks until they are ready to make love. Advice should be provided to women based on individual variations.

A review entitled “Sexuality during Pregnancy and the Year Postpartum” was published in The Journal of Family Practice (1998) by J. Byrd et al. 47(4), 305-8. It reported that “there is little agreement in the findings of research on the resumption of sexual activity following childbirth”. They state that “at five to seven weeks postpartum, only 50 percent of women had resumed intercourse.” Numerous reasons have been suggested for the delay in resumption of vaginal intercourse after childbirth. The principal ones are: pain related to an episiotomy; vaginal bleeding or discharge; fatigue and discomfort related to inadequate lubrication of the vagina, due to low levels of estrogen in the postpartum period.

Women who have had a lengthy labor following a high risk pregnancy or women who have had a birth assisted by a vacuum extraction, forceps or cesarean, may not wish, nor perhaps should they, resume intercourse until 8 to 12 weeks postpartum, or perhaps even longer. Women who suffer extensive perineal tearing, or those with a large episiotomy or mediolateral episiotomy, may not be “comfortable” for several months after the birth.

Resuming intimacy after giving birth

After giving birth many women go through a period of adjustment to their “new” body. You may wonder if you will lose the weight you gained during pregnancy and if you will ever get your figure back again. It can be very helpful to see that you are still desired by your partner.

The postpartum period is a good time to explore being close to your partner without sexual intercourse. You both may be eagerly awaiting the opportunity to make love again, and this is an important time to approach each other with tenderness and continued communication.

You may find that you have little or no interest in sexual intercourse immediately following childbirth. When you are ready, you can resume sexual intercourse when your perineum is comfortable, the episiotomy has healed, and the lochia has stopped.

It is common to feel very dry and lack the vaginal lubrication that had been normal for you. This is due to the reduced estrogen after the delivery of the placenta. Prolactin and oxytocin can also interfere with lubrication if you are nursing. It is normal for vaginal dryness to last up to six months. You can apply a water-based vaginal lubricant, such as astroglide or liquid silk, to help make intimacy more pleasurable. If intercourse causes you discomfort, you may want to wait a little longer or find other sexual practices that you and your partner enjoy.

Because there is decreased tone in the perineal muscles you may notice less pleasurable friction during intercourse. You may find that your orgasms are less intense for the first few months. These are normal occurrences after giving birth. To help increase muscle tone, resume your Kegel exercises (perineal tightening) that you learned in childbirth class. Practice Kegel exercises at least 50 times every day, slowly increasing to 100 repetitions.

Because you are probably fatigued after giving birth, you may want to experiment with making love in the morning or afternoon, rather than at the end of a day when you are already too tired. If you are breastfeeding, nurse your baby prior to your lovemaking to help extend the time you and your partner have together.

While conception is highly unlikely in the postpartum period, when exclusive breastfeeding, if another pregnancy is not desired at this time, it would be wise to resume the use of contraceptives. Discuss your options with your care provider.

If you want to get pregnant, you have sex. No surprises there. But what about sex while you’re pregnant? The answers aren’t always as clear. Here’s what you need to know about sex during pregnancy.
Is it OK to have sex during pregnancy?

As long as your pregnancy is proceeding normally, you can have sex as often as you like. But you may not always want to. At first, hormonal fluctuations, fatigue and nausea may sap your sexual desire. During the second trimester, increased blood flow to your sexual organs and breasts may rekindle your desire for sex. But by the third trimester, weight gain, back pain and other symptoms may once again dampen your enthusiasm for sex.

Can sex cause a miscarriage?

Many couples worry that sex during pregnancy will cause a miscarriage, especially in the first trimester. But sex isn’t a concern. Early miscarriages are usually related to chromosomal abnormalities or other problems in the developing baby — not to anything you do or don’t do.

Does sex harm the baby?

The baby is protected by the amniotic fluid in your uterus, as well as the mucous plug that blocks the cervix throughout most of your pregnancy. Your partner’s penis won’t touch the baby.

Are any sexual positions off-limits during pregnancy?

As your pregnancy progresses, experiment to find the most comfortable positions. There’s just one caveat. Avoid lying flat on your back during sex. If your uterus compresses the veins in the back of your abdomen, you may feel lightheaded or nauseous.

What about oral sex?

If you have oral sex, make sure your partner does not blow air into your vagina. Rarely, a burst of air may block a blood vessel (air embolism) — which could be a life-threatening condition for you and the baby.

Can orgasms trigger premature labor?

Orgasms can cause uterine contractions. But these contractions are different from the contractions you’ll feel during labor. Research indicates that if you have a normal pregnancy, orgasms — with or without intercourse — don’t lead to premature labor or premature birth.

Are there times when sex should be avoided?

Although most women can safely have sex throughout pregnancy, sometimes it’s best to be cautious.

• Preterm labor. Exposure to the prostaglandins in semen may cause contractions — which could be worrisome if you’re at risk of preterm labor.
• Vaginal bleeding. Sex is not recommended if you have unexplained vaginal bleeding.
• Problems with the cervix. If your cervix begins to open prematurely (cervical incompetence), sex may pose a risk of infection.
• Problems with the placenta. If your placenta partly or completely covers your cervical opening (placenta previa), sex could lead to bleeding and preterm labor.
• Multiple babies. If you’re carrying two or more babies, your doctor may advise you not to have sex late in pregnancy — although researchers have not identified any relationship between sex and preterm labor in twins.

Should my partner use a condom?

Exposure to sexually transmitted diseases during pregnancy increases the risk of infections that can affect your pregnancy and your baby’s health. If you have a new sexual partner during pregnancy, use a condom when you have sex.

What if I don’t want to have sex?

That’s OK. There’s more to a sexual relationship than intercourse. Share your needs and concerns with your partner in an open and loving way. If sex is difficult, unappealing or off-limits, try cuddling, kissing or massage.

The Joy of Sex During Pregnancy

Unless your health care provider advises you otherwise, sex during pregnancy is safe for you and your baby.

Many expectant parents worry that sex can be harmful during pregnancy. They fear that intercourse could hurt the baby, or even cause miscarriage. Some are afraid that the baby somehow “knows” that sex is taking place. The partner sometimes worries that intercourse might cause discomfort or pain for the pregnant woman. Worries like this are common and completely normal, but most of them are unfounded.

If your pregnancy is considered to be high risk, you may need to be more cautious than other women. Your health care provider may advise you to avoid intercourse for all or part of your pregnancy.

The Changes of Pregnancy
Many women are not very interested in sex while they are pregnant. Exhaustion, raging hormones, tender breasts and self-consciousness about her growing girth can put a pregnant women’s sex drive on hold. Take heart in the fact that most couples resume an active sex life sometime during the first year of their baby’s life.

Many women find that pregnancy makes them want sex more than they did before they became pregnant. This sex drive is caused by hormonal changes. For some women, newfound voluptuousness can play a role in making them feel sexier than ever.

Positions that work before pregnancy and early in pregnancy can be uncomfortable or even unsafe at later stages of the baby’s development. For example, a woman should avoid lying flat on her back after the fourth month of pregnancy, because the weight of the growing uterus puts pressure on major blood vessels. Fortunately, there are alternatives to the traditional missionary position, such as lying sideways or having the woman on top.

As for the baby, he or she has no idea what Mom and Dad are doing. The baby is well protected by a cushion of fluid in the womb and by the mom’s abdomen.

Suggestions for You and Your Partner

• If you’re concerned, ask your health care provider if it’s okay to have sex.
• Talk to each other about your needs and concerns in an open and loving way. If you work together, you can probably figure out how to put a smile on each other’s face.
• Let mutual pleasure and comfort be your guide. If something doesn’t feel physically or emotionally right to one of you, change what you’re doing.
• Keep your sense of humor.
• To avoid sexually transmitted infections, have sex with only one person who doesn’t have any other sexual partners and/or use a condom when having sex. Discuss HIV testing for you and your partner with your health care provider.
• If the pregnancy is high risk or if you have any questions at all, ask for guidance from your health care provider.
• After the baby is born, wait until after your postpartum checkup before you resume intercourse.

Are you and your partner having good sex — or great sex? Good sex is sex that is generally satisfying and leaves each partner feeling emotionally and physically fulfilled. Great sex is the same, except it is more intense and more uninhibited … the kind of sex you don’t soon forget!

Many couples in long-term relationships assume that adventurous and uninhibited sex is a thing of the past. This is particularly true when people get stuck in a “good sex” rut — they go through the same motions every time because it gets the job done. When it is over, each partner has been satisfied … but there certainly weren’t fireworks.

For instance, a couple recently came to see me at the Berman Center seeking help for their love life. Despite their happy marriage, Keith and Elizabeth were experiencing intimacy issues. Sex was infrequent, and when it did occur, it often was dull and monotonous. However, between their full-time jobs and raising three kids, neither of them thought they had time to reignite the passion in the bedroom.

In addition to working with them to make space for themselves and each other in their busy lives, I gave Keith and Elizabeth some “homework” to get back in touch with each other’s bodies. I instructed them to engage in a night of VENIS — very erotic no-intercourse sex. In the VENIS program, you can be as imaginative and provocative as you want — massage oils, feathers, body paint, props, etc. The only rule is “no intercourse.” The idea is to enjoy each other’s bodies without rushing toward the finish line. Before sending Keith and Elizabeth off to VENIS land, I supplied them with a basket full of erotic goodies: chocolate body paint, handcuffs, a vibrating rubber ducky and blindfolds. When they came back in for their next session, they told me that their night of VENIS was the best “sex” they ever had!

Here are other ways to turn “good” sex into “great” sex:

The fantasy box: Create a fantasy box and store it in your bedroom. You and your partner should write down your fantasies on little slips of paper and place them in the fantasy box. Every once in a while, when your sex life needs a little extra oomph, dip into the fantasy box and start playing! Making fantasies come true is a great way to bring spice back into the bedroom.

Tantra: Tantric sex not only prolongs sex and improves the quality of orgasms, it also helps increase the emotional intimacy between you and your partner. One great tantric tool is “soul-gazing.” Here’s how to do it: When you are both undressed, sit on the bed facing each other and place your right hand over your partner’s heart and gaze into your partner’s left eye. Synchronize your breathing while you maintain eye contact. Soul-gazing returns sex to that sacred space where intercourse is a holy, valued activity between two people in love.

Bring “sexyback”: Most women need to feel sexy in order to feel sexual desire. However, between driving in traffic, rushing to make dinner and getting the kids in bed, women often feel harried and unattractive at the end of the day. This is where the importance of “me” time comes in. It may sound cliche, but unless you make time to recharge, nurture yourself and get in touch with your senses (massage, bubble bath, pedicure), it will be hard to feel sexy. You may even invest in a little bit of sexy lingerie. Once you start to feel sexy on the outside, it might change the way you approach intimacy. Who knows? You might even be inspired to give your man a little lap dance.

The bottom line is that great sex isn’t as far away as you think. With just a little bit of work, any couple can have fireworks in the bedroom … even on a regular Monday night!

Four Positions for a Better Orgasm

Of course you want a steamier sex life — but there is more to it then candlelight and lingerie. There are actual tried-and-true methods for getting better stimulated and having the Big O. So, get ready for hotter sex with suggestions that will surprise and thrill your partner, from Deborah Sundahl, author of Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot. Feel free to print this out and bring it to bed with you. We doubt your partner will complain!

Modified Missionary

You’ve probably tried the standard missionary position before. But many women complain that they cannot achieve an orgasm with the man lying on top. This modified version should take things up a notch:

Lie on your back and put your legs over your partner’s shoulders. This is a good position if you need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, and it is a nice way to begin to experience building a G-spot orgasm. He’ll have a lot of control over stimulating your G-spot, and you can play with your clitoris to have an orgasm.

Mouth and Finger, Yum!

Many women have an easier time achieving an orgasm through oral sex than with intercourse. And since we can only assume that your partner would love nothing more than to try new ways to please you — walk him through the following exercise:

Ask your partner not to use the tongue as a vibrator on your clit, but to caress your clitoris, urethra and vaginal opening with lips and tongue. Slower is better, so you have time to absorb all the sensations and to remember to relax.

When you feel aroused, ask him to insert a finger, ever so slowly, and rub your G-spot very slowly but firmly. Over time, your G-spot will become more easily aroused, and swollen, and less stimulation will be necessary to feel ready for orgasm.

The point of this exercise is to relax and allow the sensitivity and pleasure to grow and evolve by shifting your focus bit by bit from clitoris to G-spot, over many lovemaking sessions.

Face to Face on a Stool

A tall kitchen stool is perfect for communicating and slowly working up to soulful eye-to-eye communication. If you are used to closing your eyes and burying your head in the pillow, you’ll find that in this position you are more present and equal. No one’s weight is on anyone, you are facing each other (he’s standing and you’re sitting). You can look down at his penis, and he can get valuable feedback about the types of strokes he is delivering when he sees your face and hears your delighted sounds.

Because this position provides intense stimulation to the G-spot and a clear, direct way to communicate, this is the best position for both of you to learn how to awaken and stimulate your G-spot. Your clitoris can also be easily stimulated.

This position is excellent for deep penetration — if the stool is sturdy — and for exploring how deep, penetrating thrusts can trigger the sensations of a uterine orgasm (different than a vaginal orgasm, but equally enjoyable). It’s likely that at first you may not have an orgasm and you may not ejaculate, but it’s worth it to explore a uterine orgasm.

Standing up from Behind

This position borrows certain elements of the popular “doggy-style” position, where the woman is on her hands and knees and is entered from behind. But if you try standing up, slightly bent forward, you’ll find more pressure on the G-spot than with the traditional doggy-style position. Your partner’s movements will push forward against your G-spot, and that’s exactly what you want for good stimulation.

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Teaching children that sex is separate from marriage has led to untold misery.

Polly Toynbee claims the small reduction we have seen in teenage conception rates “may be partly due to easier emergency contraception from local pharmacies”. However, international studies have consistently shown that increased access to the morning-after pill has reduced neither abortion nor unintended pregnancy rates.

Our own study, which Toynbee dismisses as “a spurious story” and “evidence-proven nonsense”, reveals that not a single primary care trust was able to cite any evidence that the confidential provision of the morning-after pill in pharmacies has contributed to a reduction in under-16 conception rates.

This may sound counterintuitive. After all, if the morning-after pill works at all, it stands to reason that it does prevent at least some unwanted pregnancies from developing, and thus prevents at least some abortions. However, there is also evidence that the ready availability of contraception results in some young people becoming sexually active who would not otherwise have done so.

For almost a year following Victoria Gillick’s appeal court victory in 1984, under-16s were unable to obtain contraception without parental consent. The sex-education establishment and contraceptive industry protested that teenage pregnancy rates would rocket. But they didn’t. While under-16 attendances at family-planning clinics went down by a third, teenage conception rates remained the same, suggesting that the restriction on contraceptive services to under-16s led to a fall in underage sexual activity.

But not everybody regards less teenage sexual activity as a positive outcome. Some are wedded to the notion of “children’s reproductive-health rights” - a euphemism for the “right” of children to engage in unlawful sexual intercourse, with confidential access to contraception and abortion. Toynbee herself is dismissive of any attempt to discourage teenage sex, and even goes so far as to say: “It is good news … that more pregnant teenagers are opting for abortions.”Bearing in mind the long-term trauma experienced by many women after an abortion, this is hardly a cause for celebration.

“Abstinence teaching doesn’t work,” Toynbee asserts, while sex education “taught well” can serve as the panacea for any number of social ills. But this all prompts the question as to what “work” and “taught well” mean.

The organisations demanding compulsory sex education in all schools share a strong hostility towards teaching children the positive benefits of saving sex for marriage. Separating sex from marriage has not only led to high rates of teenage pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections and abortions, but is also a major contributory factor in divorce and family breakdown, with all the associated human misery and adverse social consequences. Young people need to hear that there is a better way.

Schools must remain accountable to parents who bear the primary responsibility for their children’s care and nurture; and parents must retain the freedom to withdraw their children from sex-education lessons they believe will do more harm than good.

Backlash over sex education failings

Teenagers are being taught sex education so badly in schools that many are left in complete ignorance about how to avoid sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy.

A letter to The Times today from leading children’s organisations, sexual health experts and eight members of the Commons Health Select Committee, calls on the Government to make relationship teaching a statutory part of the national curriculum.

The experts say that research published today highlights the longstanding failure of schools and how it is contributing to the country’s sexual health crisis.

Of more than 20,000 teenagers in England questioned about sex education, more than half rated the teaching in school as poor, very poor or merely average. Only a quarter said that it was good.

Nearly half of those surveyed by the UK Youth Parliament said that they had never been taught about the effects of teenage pregnancy and would not know where to find their local sexual health clinic. More than half (55 per cent) of all 12 to 15-year-olds, and 57 per cent of girls between the ages of 16 to 17 had not been taught how to use a condom, despite the Government’s recommendations, published seven years ago, that this should be taught in all schools. The majority of pupils over the age of 17 reported not having received any information about personal relationships at school.

The letter, signed by the chief executives of the NSPCC, the Brook pregnancy advisory service, the Family Planning Association and the Terrence Higgins Trust, states: “These figures may go some way to explaining disproportionately high rates of teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections in this country.”

Figures from the Health Protection Agency reveal that among 16 to 19-year-olds, diagnoses of herpes rose by 13 per cent and those of genital warts increased by 6 per cent between 2005 and last year. Government figures also show that the UK still has the highest levels of teenage pregnancy in Western Europe. For every 1,000 births between 2000 and 2005, 27 were to under-19s. It was just eight in France.

The Youth Parliament is calling for sexand relationship courses to be made a statutory part of personal, social and health and economic education. At present sex education is a statutory part only of the science curriculum for 11 to 14-year-olds.

Plenty of sex, dark chocolate and cold meats are the latest keys to boosting your brain power, according to a new book published in Britain.

Authors Terry Horne and Simon Wootton believe those who want to stop their brain deteriorating should avoid watching TV soap operas, smoking cannabis and mixing with moaners.

While sex, dark chocolate and eating cold meats for breakfast top the list for the best ways to keep the brain fit, cuddling babies, cheating at homework, doing a business degree and reading out loud are also recommended.

“People can make lifestyle choices that will constantly increase our cognitive capacity throughout our adult lives lives,” Horne, a university lecturer, told the Daily Mail.

“Mix with people who make you laugh, have a good sense of humour or who share the same interests as you and avoid people who whinge, whine and complain as people who are negative will make you depressed.”

Horne and Wootton say they base their theories, contained in their book Teach Yourself: Train Your Brain, on research carried out by experts around the world.

Many of their recommendations are based on various chemical reactions within the body brought on by certain activities.

Sex and chocolate ‘boost brain power’

Lots of sex, dark chocolate and the Scandinavian routine of cold meat for breakfast are the best ways to boost brain power, a new book claims.
Study finds acrylamide link to cancer in women

And watching soap operas, mixing with serial moaners and fat-free diets should be avoided in the quest for increased mental ability, the book says.

Much of the advice in Teach Yourself Training Your Brain is unconventional, but its co-authors, Terry Horne and Simon Wootton, say it is based on leading scientific research.

They claim that people can combat the considered wisdom that the brain deteriorates with age.

Mr Horne, a university lecturer, said: “For decades we have thought that the capacity of our brains is genetically determined, whereas it’s now clear it’s a lifestyle choice.

“People can make lifestyle choices that will not only prevent what used to be seen as an inevitable decline in cognitive ability after the age of 17, but will constantly increase it throughout our adult lives.

“Our suggestions will empower people to develop their cognitive capacity or just to let it die.”

The book analyses how diet, the environment and stress affect mental capacity. It offers advice and mental exercises for people hoping to increase their brain power.

Much of the book’s suggestions are based upon the chemicals that certain activities release in the body.

It says that sexual intercourse increases the body’s levels of the hormone oxytocin, which induces a readiness to think of novel solutions, while the post-coital rise in serotonin levels also helps both creative thinking and logic.

In terms of food, the book suggests that the hidden ingredients of dark chocolate - such as magnesium and antioxidants - help get more oxygen to the brain.

It also recommends eating cold meat for breakfast to increase the body’s energy levels and nutrient intake.

The authors will be hoping the book cashes in on the increasingly lucrative brain-training market - the games manufacturer Nintendo has sold 10 million of its hand-held Brain Age games this year.

The book also advises on the kind of company one should keep. Mr Horne said: “Mix with people who make you laugh. Avoid people who whinge, as people who are negative will make you depressed.”

How to get most out of food for your brain:

• Do eat oily fish, which are high in omega 3 fatty acids

• Do eat broccoli, a great source of vitamin K

• Do eat a diet rich in wholegrain foods such as cereals and pasta

• Do eat tomatoes, high in antioxidants

• Do eat blackcurrants, rich in Vitamin C

• Don’t drink too much alcohol, which kills off brain cells

• Don’t skip breakfast, it’s a vital source of the energy

• Don’t eat too many high-fat foods

• Don’t eat too much junk food or drink too many fizzy drinks