5 ways to keep kids from ruining your sex life

Dr. Laura Berman shares ways to prevent children from spoiling the fun

Kids are a delight, but they can also be problematic when it comes to keeping the spark alive between you and your spouse.

In today’s child-centric society, it can be difficult to find couple time, especially when romance is in order.

Luckily, you can safeguard your relationship from this common problem by following these five simple steps:

1. Embrace separate beds
Unless you are Suzanne Somers, three is not company. This is especially true when you and your husband aren’t able to bond (wink, wink) due to the pitter-patter of little feet that head to your bedroom every night. It might be hard to turn away the kiddies, especially when they are so fun to cuddle with, but don’t forget that cuddling your partner is important, too! More importantly, your children need to learn how to sleep on their own and be independent. Help your children adjust to sleeping on their own by making it a treat — buy special sheets with their favorite cartoon characters, get them a nightlight, and remind them that big kids sleep in their own room. If they’ve been sleeping with you for a while, it’ll be a process to get them out of your bed and into their own, but if you are consistent and don’t give up, they’ll soon make the transition and you’ll get back those stolen moments in bed for you and your partner.

And by the way, put a lock on your bedroom door today! It’s totally OK for your kids to know Mommy and Daddy regularly take “private time” together. Don’t worry about not being there for them if they really need you. That’s what monitors and knocking are for!

2. Distinguish between vacations and family trips and take both
If you have ever had to travel with small children, you know that family trips are not a vacation for parents. While it is wonderful to see your child experience the beach or Disneyland for the first time, it does not give you the mental and physical break you need. So, go ahead and book that trip to Sea World — but remember to budget time and money for adult-only vacations in which you can get away with your spouse solo. Spending time away from your usual roles as parents will give you a chance to reconnect with your sensual side, free of PB&J requests and “Dora the Explorer” reruns!

3. Don’t be a superparent
Limit your children’s after-school activities to just one or two per season. If you run yourself ragged driving your children to every activity under the sun, you won’t have the time or energy for romance or sex. However, remember to take advantage of the time your children spend at after-school activities (or even better, weekend activities when you and your partner are both home) — an empty house means some privacy for you and your partner!

4. Set a united front
When your children try to get a “yes” out of Mommy after Daddy has already said “no,” problems can erupt in the bedroom and beyond. If one or both of you feels as though your opinion has been disregarded, it can be very hard to turn off that frustration and get in the mood. Indeed, you might even end up feeling your own spouse is the enemy! Bypass these discipline problems by agreeing to never go over each other’s head. The house rule should be “If Mommy says no, so does Daddy, and vice versa.” Deciding as a couple how you want to handle discipline ahead of time is also important, not only for presenting a united front to the kids, but for the sake of your connection as well.

5. Write it in stone
Date night is the highlight of many parents’ long weeks, but too often this night gets pushed aside due to little family disturbances. Set your date night in stone, even if little Jimmy really wants to have friends over, or if your baby-sitter threatens to raise her hourly rate. Couples absolutely must have alone time together in which they can talk, bond and be intimate, so date night should only be canceled as a last resort.

With a little bit of teamwork and compromise, you can have it all — a fabulous family life and a loving, passionate relationship. Remember the greatest gift you can give your kids is a model of a loving, intimate relationship. That means setting boundaries for your children and making your partner a priority. Commit to your children, but keep your sex life a priority as well!

Tips for parents with toddlers

Finding time for making love is tough with a toddler in the house, and no one knows that better than veteran parents. That’s why we asked them how they keep the home fires burning. Here are their best tips and tricks (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) for squeezing in some love time.

Saturday morning cartoons can spell fun for you, too
While your child watches the Magic School Bus, you and your partner can take a ride of your own. “Set your child up in front of the television, and away you go to nookie central, at least for ten to 15 minutes,” says Mollee O., a mom in Southern California. Of course this works only if your child is old enough to be left alone safely for a short time.

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There is popular concern about virginity definition and the meaning others put in it. Most people consider a person virgin if he never had sexual intercourse, i.e. penis- vagina penetration. You may say that “technically” a woman having hymen or a man who never penetrated a woman is considered to be a virgin. But a lot of questions appear, like ”What if I am gay and have sex with the same sex?” or “Do I have to consider myself a virgin if I had oral, anal, solo sex with sex toys?”. The answer will be as follows:” You are the one to decide whether to consider yourself a virgin or not. But every sexual act holds a lot of responsibility, where all the risks, hopes and emotions are involved. That’s why a primary question you should decide on is to weigh all pros and contras before you make this major step.

Are you ready?
You are young and hot. Everybody seems to have sex. Of course, no one doubts that you are no longer child and sex is a great pleasure. Still wait for a while and think over one important thing: Are you ready for your first time?

That is not an idle question for every person if he or she made up his mind to lose virginity. Even if you feel a wild urge to have first intercourse, the best thing to do in this situation is to answer to yourself whether you are ready to take a responsibility for your and your partner’s health, know all about the consequences of sexual interaction, like STD’s and pregnancy. Surely, safe sex should be of primary importance to you, as well as things like your psychological readiness for intimate relationships. Loosing virginity should be a free choice for you. You shouldn’t fall under pressure or do it with a person you know nothing about. Of course, you may not fill your head with all this “stuff”, but many people do actually. If you respect yourself and are going to be sexually active, you are going to know that no matter what your further intimate relationships will be, you won’t forget your first man or a woman even if you try to. That’s why you’d better take it seriously, so that further memories won’t disappoint you.

Losing your virginity is a big decision. Not only must you be certain that you are emotionally ready to be with someone in this way but you must also be certain that you understand the risks associated with having sex such as contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and/or getting pregnant. You should also take your partner into account when you are considering losing your virginity, and be sure that you are both absolutely certain that you are ready to have sex. Unfortunately there are no easy checklists for working out if you are ready to lose your virginity, but if you find it hard to talk about sex with your partner, you find yourself blushing or giggling during discussions of sexuality, and/or you are unwilling to admit that you will need to protect yourself during sex then you are likely not ready to lose your virginity. If, however, you and your partner have discussed sex, you are both ready to explore safer sex options, and you fully understand possible consequences of your options then you may decide that you are ready to lose your virginity.

Should You Lose It?

Clearly, the definition of virginity leaves lots of room for interpretation! But the real question is: should you lose it? Deciding whether or not to remain a virgin is a highly personal decision that can be influenced by a variety of factors, such as religion, family and personal values, peer influence, and the status of your relationship. It’s important to think about where you stand on the issue. Here are a few questions to ask yourself before you decide:

• Do I believe that sex should only be shared in a marriage or other committed relationship?
• Do I think that two people should be in love before having sex?
• Do I believe that a person should be a certain age before having sex?

What will help me decide when I’m ready to have sex?
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. Sexual decisions are a matter of personal beliefs and values, but it’s important to think them through before you take the plunge. Talking about your views on virginity with your partner is also a good idea. And remember, sex doesn’t have to be a part of every relationship … even if you aren’t a virgin. You have the right to decide when to have sex — the first time, and always!

Safer Sex Considerations
If you do believe that you are ready to lose your virginity then remember that the only completely safe sex – 100% guaranteed not to lead to pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection (STI) such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea or HIV – is abstaining from sex completely. If you understand this and are willing to accept that there are risks associated with having sex, then make sure that you understand that there are ways to make sex safer, particularly by using a condom. A condom creates a physical barrier between people during oral, anal and vaginal sex so it can help keep infections from being spread. Unfortunately, condoms can be put on incorrectly, slip off during sex, and break. Condoms are also often used with lubricants, but lubricants with spermicide can have an adverse effect on condoms and should be avoided. STIs can also be transmitted during foreplay, so any areas of the body that have open wounds, sores or warts (such as fingers) should not come in contact with the genitals without at least a plaster covering the risky area.

Pregnancy is also a worry for anyone having sex, and again the only way to absolutely avoid getting pregnant is to abstain from sex. A variety of birth control methods exist which can minimise the risk of pregnancy, but not one of them is 100% effective 100% of the time. The contraceptive pill, contraceptive injections, contraceptives implants, intrauterine devices such as the coil, and diaphragms/caps are all common types of contraception that can be accessed from a GP or family planning clinic. Condoms can be bought at most chemists and used alone in or conjunction with another method of contraception. If you do have unprotected sex, or if an error occurs with your preferred method of contraception, then some types of emergency contraception are also available. An emergency contraceptive pill can be taken up to three days after unprotected sex, while an intrauterine device such as the coil can be fitted up to five days after unprotected sex to prevent pregnancy from occurring. Emergency contraception pills can be prescribed by doctors or bought without a prescription at pharmacies. Any type of IUD will need to be fitted by a doctor or nurse.

Saying No
There’s no shame in waiting until you are ready to lose your virginity, but it can be hard to say no to sex if your partner seems more than willing to take this big step. First and foremost, remember that if someone loves you enough to want to make love with you, he or she should also respect you enough to wait until you are ready. Many teens feel pressured to have sex before they are ready, and though you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decisions you may feel that you want to discuss your feelings on the subject. More than anything, remember to be calm and direct if you choose to have this discussion. Very clearly state that you are not ready to have sex. Be prepared for questions such as when will you be ready, if you’re planning to remain a virgin until you are married, what you are willing to do with your romantic partner and/or do you truly care about your partner. If you have no answers for these questions, say so honestly. Ask your partner to give you the time and space you need to think about these things. It may not seem like it at the time, but if he or she is not willing to let you decide what is best for yourself then he or she is not worth worrying about anyway.

First intercourse: TIPS FOR BOYS

1. Never consider sex with a woman you don’t appreciate or think of as unattractive.
2. A rule for anytime: be always clean (i.e. always wash your genitals before an intercourse). Take a number of condoms along and try to avoid various enhancers.
3. Get everything ready in advance. Comfortable intimate atmosphere is more likely to give you the image of a good sexual experience than a fuss at the back seat of your car.
4. Don’t be quick, the more so if your partner is inexperienced too. Make sure she is aroused enough giving time to the foreplay. When she gets aroused her genitals will produce necessary lubrication to make penetration easier. There can be a problem with lubrication if she is feels uneasy herself. In this case you may use special water-based lube on her genitals that is usually sold in sex toys shop. And don’t forget about condom!
5. Sex experiments are not what you should put in practice during your first intercourse. Choose a missionary position (man on the top) and put a pillow under her buttocks. Gently open her labia and direct your penis towards vagina. Take things slowly. If she is a virgin herself, you should take a bit more efforts. Although a hymen is not a serious obstacle, this will lead to bleeding and can cause pain for your girlfriend. Start penetrating into vagina, but don’t do it deeply for the first time.
6. Neither of you should blame yourself even if you didn’t achieve orgasm. Most woman need to learn how to reach orgasm during and this doesn’t happen automatically from your first intercourse.
7. Even if you have had sex before, you can experience certain troubles during your first intercourse. If you are obsessed with the idea to get under skin, this may result in such unwanted effects as lack of erection. If you get over excited you may come too early. No matter what problems will arise think about this experience as though things were not the way you expected them to be and don’t take it too seriously. The surer you will feel the more confidence you will obtain next time.

First intercourse: TIPS FOR GIRLS

1. No matter what the reason is for your decision to loose virginity, girls always worry about their first time.
2. Use safe contraceptive and ask your partner to use condom (even if you take birth control pills).
3. Choose a comfortable place. It is necessary for you to make sure nobody will disturb your privacy and you have enough time without haste on minor things. It is also very important as you may feel quite nervous during first intercourse and it can take you more time to get relaxed and aroused.
4. Tell your partner you are a virgin and ask him to take things slowly. If you never used tampons, your vagina may be a bit tight. Your partner can help you loose vaginal muscles by introducing his finger during an intercourse.
5. It would be easier for your partner to penetrate when your legs are wide apart. You can put a pillow under your buttocks to make penetration easier. Keep water-based lubricant handy if you need more lubrication. Help your partner during penetration directing him to your vagina.
6. Never say die if your first time didn’t bring you pleasant sensations and you didn’t experience orgasm. With the time you will learn your body better and sexual relationships will improve.
7. Unlike most men, women obtain more sexual satisfaction with the partner they appreciate, know well and feel the same attitude from him. Having your first time until you get to know each other well may lead to disappointment, when a person lying next to you seems to be a stranger.

So follow one general rule: try to get over anxiety and be careful with your feelings.

The U.S. Congressional Research Service still rates South Korea as a major Asian destination for organized sex tours in a recent report entitled “Trafficking in Persons: U.S. Policy and Issues for Congress.”

Since the prostitution crackdown laws went into effect on Sept. 23, 2004, Korea says, brothels have been closed down, organized prostitution for foreign tourists has to all intents and purposes eradicated, and ordinary prostitution has been outlawed and drastically reduced. All this is corroborated by objective data. The latest classification by the CRS is therefore a blow for the Korean government, highlighting the need to disseminate accurate information to improve the national image.

In the report issued last week, the CRS lists South Korea as a primary Asian destination for organized sex tours, alongside the Philippines, Thailand, Sri Lanka and Hong Kong. By citing Indonesia and Taiwan as secondary destinations for organized sex tours, the report suggests prostitution in South Korea is more serious than in these two countries.

An official with the South Korean Embassy in Washington said, “We’re making all-out efforts to present accurate information on Korea to politicians, government officials, academics and experts in the U.S. It is sometimes possible that accurate information on the reality in Korea is not delivered. We’ll take a proper countermeasure after finding out the truth first.”

According to the CRS report, U.S. President George W. Bush on Oct. 18, 2007 issued sanctions against North Korea, Burma, Cuba, Iran, Syria, and Venezuela, which the U.S. State Department had categorized, in its own human trafficking report, as Tier 3 countries for failing to address the problem of trafficking for forced labor.

S.Korea still a major sex tourism destination

South Korea remains a major destination in Asia for organized sex tours, the US Congressional Research Service (CRS) has revealed.

According to the CRS’s recent report entitled “Trafficking in Persons: US Policy and Issues for Congress,” South Korea is on the same level as the Philippines, Thailand, Sri Lanka and Hong Kong as major Asian destinations for sex tourism, while Indonesia and Taiwan were categorized as secondary destinations.

“We’re making all-out efforts to present accurate information on Korea to politicians, government officials, academics and experts in the US,” a South Korean official in Washington told local Korean news agency ChoSun in response to the report. “It is sometimes possible that accurate information on the reality in Korea is not delivered. We’ll take a proper countermeasure after finding out the truth first.”

The Korean government has closed down brothels, “organized prostitution for foreign tourists has to all intents and purposes eradicated, and ordinary prostitution has been outlawed and drastically reduced,” after prostitution crackdown laws went into effect on Sept. 23, 2004.

“The latest classification by the CRS is, therefore, a blow for the Korean government, highlighting the need to disseminate accurate information to improve the national image,” Cho Sun news said.

The CRS report stated that US President George W. Bush on Oct. 18, 2007 issued sanctions against North Korea, Burma, Cuba, Iran, Syria, and Venezuela, which the US State Department had categorized, in its own human trafficking report, as Tier 3 countries for failing to address the problem of trafficking for forced labor.

Korea a Sex Tourism Destination?

Yonhap reports that a US Congressional Research Service report on human trafficking has sparked controversy by labeling Korea a major destination for sex tourism.

This, despite “objective records” showing that since the Special Law on Prostitution went into effect in 2004, the red-light districts have closed down, organized tourism for foreign tourists has been “virtually eradicated,” and even private prostitution has been greatly reduced.

Stop laughing, damn it.

Anyway, some are now calling on the government to get actively involved in providing accurate information about the country, if for no other reason than to boost the national image.

The CRS report, released on Jan 10, named Korea along with the Philippines, Thailand, Sri Lanka and Hong Kong to a list of Asian countries that are major destinations for organized sex tourism.

By naming Indonesia and Taiwan as secondary destinations, the report even had the audacity to suggest prostitution in Korea was worse than in, well, Indonesia and Taiwan.

This came after a June 2007 report by the US State Department slamming Korea for having a serious human trafficking problem, despite also naming Korea to a list of nations complying with standards to eradicate human trafficking.

An official at the Korean Embassy in Washington said they’re doing all they can to provide accurate information to US officials, scholars and experts, but “there are times when the realities of Korea are not accurately reflected.” He added that steps would be taken after they figured out what happened.

In the interest of doing my part to convey accurate information about Korea, let me say for the record that organized sex tourism for foreign tourists — while it probably still exists — is nowhere like it used to be (or so I’ve heard) during the heyday of gisaeng tourism. It’s definitely nowhere near the likes of Thailand. As for Korea’s attempts to eradicate domestic prostitution, well, that’s a different story…

Having sex at early age has long been linked to a laundry list of health problems from an increased risk of sexual disease to an increased risk of cancer.

But now, Columbia University and New York state researchers say waiting too long to have sex may carry its own risks.

Losing Virginity Later Linked to Sexual Problems

Those who have sex later, particularly men, seem to experience more sexual dysfunction

While past research has linked early sexual activity to health problems, a new study suggests that waiting too long to start having sex carries risks of its own.

Those who lose their virginity at a later age — around 21 to 23 years of age — tend to be more likely to experience sexual dysfunction problems later, say researchers at Columbia University and the New York State Psychiatric Institute’s HIV Center for Clinical and Behavioral Studies.

The study will appear in the January 2008 issue of the American Journal of Public Health.

Men who lose their virginity in their 20s, in particular, seemed to be more likely to experience sexual problems that include difficulty becoming sexually aroused and reaching orgasm.

The increase in sexual problems was also seen in those who had a comparably earlier sexual debut. And the researchers were quick to point out that there isn’t enough evidence to say for sure whether waiting to have sex necessarily leads to sexual dysfunction down the road.

“Our results do not allow for causal interpretations,” the study authors write.

Rather, they note in the study, there may be factors common to both the delay of sexual activity and the onset of sexual dysfunction — for example, they write, “[M]en with sexual problems may avoid sexual interactions and consequently start later.”

The researchers, who looked at data from the 1996 National Sexual Health Survey, conducted by the Center for AIDS Prevention Studies (CAPS) at the University of California, San Francisco, also found that men and women who begin having sex in their early teens had their share of problems. They were more likely to have risky sexual partners, to contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and to have sex while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

While sexuality experts not affiliated with the study agree that it is too early to draw a direct causal link about those who have sex later in life, they say the research offers some interesting new avenues for learning more about certain sexual problems that may be devastating to long-term relationships.

“Clinically, we see many individuals who marry late and who have had little or no sexual experience have great difficulty with developing a rich and satisfying sexual experience within their relationship,” said Eli Coleman, academic chair in sexual health at the University of Minnesota Medical School Program in Human Sexuality.

“Sexual dysfunction is common. Difficulty in consummating the marriage is also a frequent problem,” he added.

Sexual Hang-Ups May Have Physiological Effects

Even though the research stops short of indicating a causal relationship between the age at which one loses his or her virginity and sexual problems they may experience later, Coleman said a number of possible factors could contribute to both of these things.

“From a clinical standpoint, there are often dynamics other than the desire to be abstinent until marriage, such as fear of intimacy, body image problems, alcohol and drug abuse, and sexual dysfunction,” he said. He adds that these factors “might influence the delay of sexual debut as a means of avoiding sexual issues.”

Conditioning that results in shame over sexual expression may also be a factor, said Gina Ogden, a Boston-based sexuality expert and author of “The Heart and Soul of Sex.”

“In my sex therapy office I see countless women and men who have received messages about sex that shame them about their sexual feelings and also terrify them about their sexual behavior.”

These messages, she said, can differ between men and women.

For women, she said, the message that “good girls” should not engage in or enjoy sex may cause women to shut down sexually, leading to dysfunction.

“One of the many dysfunctions that arises is that women never develop the ability to ask for what they want, which leaves them open for life-long disappointment, desire disorders, orgasmic dysfunction, and worse — they’re ripe for abuse and violence,” she said.

For men, the opposite message — that “real men score” — may lead to negative mindsets both among those who lose their virginity early and those who become sexually active only later — mindsets that impact their ability to perform sexually.

Because of the intimate link between the psyche and sexual performance, some sexuality experts say the results of these conditions most likely bring about sexual dysfunction through their psychological impacts.

“There are mostly, if not exclusively, psychological factors at play here, based on poor sexual skills that lead to a poor sexual debut, with lasting negative effects,” said Patti Britton, president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists and Los Angeles-based author of books including “The Art of Sex Coaching.”

Coleman, however, said that biological factors may also be involved.

“There are probably both biological and psychological factors at play — which cannot be elucidated from this study — but suggests that further research needs to be conducted to explore those factors,” he said.

The Role of Abstinence-Only Education

The researchers say this preliminary evidence may point up detrimental effects of abstinence-only education.

The authors write that the study “lends credence to research showing that abstinence-only education may actually increase health risks,” adding that other approaches may better equip young people to avoid both short- and long-term sexual health consequences.

Many sexuality experts agree.

“In my view as a sexuality therapist since the 1970s, the abstinence-only approach is a public health hazard,” Ogden said. “Sexual relationship is complex, and the moment of marriage is not a magic marker.

“Instead of making young people pledge ‘no’ until marriage, we need to be encouraging them to understand their own sexual responses and orientations, learn how to engage in sexual practices that are safe, and acquire intimacy skills that will lead them into caring relationships.”

Said Coleman, “While abstinence only programs seem to be helpful in delaying onset of sexual activity, there have been suggestions that this approach could cause more problems when sexual debut takes place due to insufficient preparation and knowledge of responsible sexual behavior.

“This study is interesting because it suggests that sexual experimentation is a normal developmental process, and when this process is inhibited or not guided, there can be poor sexual health outcomes.”

And we do have some other reasons to have sex!

Early Teen Sex May Not Be a Path to Delinquency

A new study by University of Virginia clinical psychologists has found that teens who have sex at an early age may be less inclined to exhibit delinquent behavior in early adulthood than their peers who waited until they were older to have sex. The study also suggests that early sex may play a role in helping these teens develop better social relationships in early adulthood.

The finding is published in the current online edition of the Journal of Youth and Adolescence, and runs counter to most assumptions that relate early teen sex to later drug use, criminality, antisocial behavior and emotional problems. The finding also contradicts parts of a study published earlier this year in the same journal that found a connection between early teen sex and later behavioral problems.

The researchers analyzed data on 534 same-sex twin pairs in the United States gathered at three time points over a seven-year period. By examining surveys of twins, the investigators were able to eliminate the genetic and socio-economic variables that otherwise might influence the behaviors of adolescents.

“We got a very surprising finding, particularly that early sex seems to forecast less antisocial behavior a few years later, rather than more,” said Kathryn Paige Harden, the study’s lead author and a Ph.D. candidate in clinical psychology at the University of Virginia.

“There is a cultural assumption in the United States that if teens have sex early it is somehow bad for their psychological health,” Harden said. “But we actually found that teens who had sex earlier seem to have better relationships later. Now we want to find out why.”

Harden says she plans further investigations that will look closely at the contexts of early teen sexual activity, such as the types of relationships, whether they were casual or intimate, how old the partners were, where the sex occurred and why, and how long the relationships lasted. She and her colleagues will then try to relate that to later behaviors and attitudes.

“Our hypothesis as a result of this finding is that teens who become involved in intimate romantic relationships early are having sex early and more often, but that those intimate relationships might later protect them from becoming involved in delinquent acts later,” Harden said. “People assume there is an association between early sex and later delinquency. It could be because teen sex transgresses parental expectations and is seen as impulsive or influenced by peer pressure. But people’s concerns about early sex leading to delinquency may not be warranted.”

Harden does acknowledge that early adolescent sexuality is linked to early pregnancy and disease, but these risks are not inevitable. She notes that in other Western countries, such as Australia, there are similar rates and patterns of teen sexual activity as in the United States, but drastically lower rates of teen pregnancy. She attributes this to a poor level of sexual health knowledge in the United States, ineffective contraceptive use and lower abortion rates.

“I doubt that early sexuality per se reduces delinquency,” said Harden’s advisor and co-author, Robert Emery, a U.Va. professor of psychology. “Early sex probably is a proxy for a strong romantic relationship, and strong relationships — think marriage — encourage pro-social instead of antisocial behavior. So, while our findings do run counter to received wisdom, the implication in my mind is to encourage strong romantic relationships not casual, early sex.”

Harden and her colleagues mined their data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, a nationally representative study designed to assess adolescent health and risk behavior. The data is gleaned from extensive surveys of teens that were collected in three waves between 1994 and 2002.

Bethan, 56, lives in southern England on the same street as best friend Allie, 64.

They are on their first holiday to Kenya, a country they say is “just full of big young boys who like us older girls.”

Hard figures are difficult to come by, but local people on the coast estimate that as many as one in five single women visiting from rich countries are in search of sex.

Allie and Bethan — who both declined to give their full names — said they planned to spend a whole month touring Kenya’s palm-fringed beaches. They would do well to avoid the country’s tourism officials.

“It’s not evil,” said Jake Grieves-Cook, chairman of the Kenya Tourist Board, when asked about the practice of older rich women traveling for sex with young Kenyan men.

“But it’s certainly something we frown upon.”

Also, the health risks are stark in a country with an AIDS prevalence of 6.9 percent. Although condom use can only be guessed at, Julia Davidson, an academic at Nottingham University who writes on sex tourism, said that in the course of her research she had met women who shunned condoms — finding them too “businesslike” for their exotic fantasies.

The white beaches of the Indian Ocean coast stretched before the friends as they both walked arm-in-arm with young African men, Allie resting her white haired-head on the shoulder of her companion, a six-foot-four 23-year-old from the Maasai tribe.

He wore new sunglasses he said were a gift from her.

“We both get something we want — where’s the negative?” Allie asked in a bar later, nursing a strong, golden cocktail.

She was still wearing her bikini top, having just pulled on a pair of jeans and a necklace of traditional African beads.

Bethan sipped the same local drink: a powerful mix of honey, fresh limes and vodka known locally as “Dawa,” or “medicine.”

She kept one eye on her date — a 20-year-old playing pool, a red bandana tying back dreadlocks and new-looking sports shoes on his feet.

He looked up and came to join her at the table, kissing her, then collecting more coins for the pool game.

“JUST UNWHOLESOME”

Grieves-Cook and many hotel managers say they are doing all they can to discourage the practice of older women picking up local boys, arguing it is far from the type of tourism they want to encourage in the east African nation.

“The head of a local hoteliers’ association told me they have begun taking measures — like refusing guests who want to change from a single to a double room,” Grieves-Cook said.

“It’s about trying to make those guests feel as uncomfortable as possible … But it’s a fine line. We are 100 percent against anything illegal, such as prostitution. But it’s different with something like this — it’s just unwholesome.”

These same beaches have long been notorious for attracting another type of sex tourists — those who abuse children.

As many as 15,000 girls in four coastal districts — about a third of all 12-18 year-olds girls there — are involved in casual sex for cash, a joint study by Kenya’s government and U.N. children’s charity UNICEF reported late last year.

Up to 3,000 more girls and boys are in full-time sex work, it said, some paid for the “most horrific and abnormal acts.”

“PREYING ON POVERTY?”

Emerging alongside this black market trade — and obvious in the bars and on the sand once the sun goes down — are thousands of elderly white women hoping for romantic, and legal, encounters with much younger Kenyan men.

They go dining at fine restaurants, then dancing, and back to expensive hotel rooms overlooking the coast.

“One type of sex tourist attracted the other,” said one manager at a shorefront bar on Mombasa’s Bamburi beach.

“Old white guys have always come for the younger girls and boys, preying on their poverty … But these old women followed … they never push the legal age limits, they seem happy just doing what is sneered at in their countries.”

Experts say some thrive on the social status and financial power that comes from taking much poorer, younger lovers.

“This is what is sold to tourists by tourism companies — a kind of return to a colonial past, where white women are served, serviced, and pampered by black minions,” said Nottinghan University’s Davidson.

“LIVE LIKE THE RICH”

Many of the visitors are on the lookout for men like Joseph.

Flashing a dazzling smile and built like an Olympic basketball star, the 22-year-old said he has slept with more than 100 white women, most of them 30 years his senior.

“When I go into the clubs, those are the only women I look for now,” he told Reuters. “I get to live like the rich mzungus (white people) who come here from rich countries, staying in the best hotels and just having my fun.”

At one club, a group of about 25 dancing men — most of them Joseph look-alikes — edge closer and closer to a crowd of more than a dozen white women, all in their autumn years.

“It’s not love, obviously. I didn’t come here looking for a husband,” Bethan said over a pounding beat from the speakers.

“It’s a social arrangement. I buy him a nice shirt and we go out for dinner. For as long as he stays with me he doesn’t pay for anything, and I get what I want — a good time. How is that different from a man buying a young girl dinner?”

Sex Tourism in Kenya

Sexual tourism has long been a driving force behind places like Amsterdam, Bangkok, and Manila. Now it is coming to Kenya.

The Infamous Sex Industry

The places that men go for sexual vacations are famous - or infamous, perhaps. Amsterdam and Copenhagen, Las Vegas, Phuket in Thailand, or Olongapo in the Philippines. There are other locations. But the spots that women frequent are less notorious. Finding a male companion in Jamaica is not supposed to be difficult for a woman. The Kuta district of Bali is perhaps the best know spot. And now a new playground for older women seeking love is emerging: Kenya.
Catering to WOWs

The Reuters news service recently ran a story on the issue. Wealthy older women (WOWs) have begun traveling to the seaside resorts on Kenya’s Indian Ocean beaches in search of attention. The WOWs partner up with a young Kenyan man, pay for his food and entertainment in much the same way that any older man might do for a young woman in his company, buy him a few gifts along the way, and have a very enjoyable stay in Kenya.

Wealth is a relative concept. While the women may be wealthy by Kenyan standards, at home in Perth, Liverpool, or Los Angeles they are little more than average women - nurses, real estate agents, or perhaps lawyers who have saved up for a vacation. And “older” can mean anything from 38 to 73 or so.

Officially, the Kenyan government “frowns” upon the new trend. It has all the same moral quandaries and health concerns attached to it that the long established male-oriented sex industry in Kenya has. Almost seven percent of Kenya’s population is HIV-positive; sexual tourism simply accelerates the spread of the disease. And many see sexual tourism, regardless of the genders and ages involved, as a case of wealthy Westerners taking advantage of the poverty of a developing nation.

One of the reasons for the new trend is that Kenya has less of an aversion to the “young man - older woman” type of relationships than in many other places in the world. Call it a cultural manifestation of the Oedipus Complex. A nationally known political leader in Kenya, Wambui Otieno, made headlines not long ago when she disinherited her adult children and married a 25 year old man; Otieno was 67. Her first husband had been dead for 20 years…
The Double Standard

Kenya’s newly found attraction for female tourists highlights the double standard that exists in most of the world regarding sexual tourism. UNICEF reports that around 15,000 underage girls (12 to 18 years old) in Kenya’s coastal provinces trade casual sex for tourist cash with some regularity. Another three thousand or so girls and boys work full time in the sex trade. in light of that, the words of one hotel manager in Kenya regarding the new trend in women’s sexual tourism is insightful. He said that his hotel company was against illegal activity like prostitution, but this was different: “It’s just unwholesome.”